Another Profound Revelation

Last weekend, I was on display at the 42nd Annual Foothills of the Ozarks Antique Auto Club Swap Meet in Springdale, Arkansas. Over the two day span, three or four elderly, toothless women sized me up before shaking their heads slowly from side to side and walking away.

“You’ll never get that for him, Hon.” Said one old hag, as she wiped the tobacco juice from her chin. “He’s an antique all right, but it would take way too much work to get him where he’d be worth anything. I’m not looking for a ‘Project.’” Poor Connie. It’s looks like she’s stuck with me for at least another year.

If you are new to Friday Flash Fiction, welcome to our weekly blog swap meet where people exchange stories (and hopefully comments). Our booth wrangler is Fanny Bricetag Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this weekly exercise in madness, head over to her blog for instructions. To rent a booth in the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

copyright - Roger Bultot
copyright – Roger Bultot

Some people have so much gall as to suggest that THEY are the center of the universe

These arrogant, narcissist bastards only care about THEIR needs and feelings, and expect the rest of world to orbit around THEM, catering to THEIR every whim.

I’ve just got one question for these egotistical morons.

“Who died and appointed YOU Elvis?”

If THEY would stop admiring THEIR own reflection for two minutes and step away from the mirror, the truth would crush THEIR fragile pride.

After all, any fool can see that I AM THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE!

Okay, so I plagiarized this from Donald Trump (all except the Elvis part). I suppose there’ll be a big stink about it now in the conservative media and I’ll become as hated as Hillary. I can feel my value at the swap meet is sinking even further.

30 Comments on “Another Profound Revelation

  1. Hilarious, Russell. I loved the introduction. Don’t worry, a writer is supposed to think they’re great. Otherwise, what’s the fun in it. In politics, some people, not mentioning names here, have such big egos I don’t know how they carry them around. It gets heavier if you can’t keep that opinion hidden. Grand entrances give it away for one thing. I mean it’s okay for a sitting president, king or queen, but… 😀 — Suzanne


    • Well, I only claim to be the funniest writer west of the Mississippi. There’s that other guy in Havertown, PA and of course Dave Barry in Florida. But let’s be honest, I’m way funnier than both of them too.


  2. No. I am. LOL.
    But I’m sure we’d all like to ask someone that question on occasion.


  3. I kept thinking of Venus Flytrap on WKRP when he accidentally got high on something he didn’t know he ingested and said, “I AM the air!” This is almost like Mortimer Snerd who, according to Edgar Bergen himself, even though he was stupid, KNEW he was stupid and that almost made him smart.

    I guess.


    • I would have to agree. Knowing you’re stupid when you are is important. Stupid people are always in demand because they make others feel better about themselves.


  4. A vintage (insert: car, human, thing) is worth far more than the disposable stuff made today 🙂
    As Mermaid Queen I am the center of watery universe so I guess I’ll let you have the land title 😉


    • I like the idea of being “vintage” or “classic.” Those sound much better than old. 🙂
      I appreciate the land title. Now, if I can just avoid those land sharks.


  5. We really count ourselves lucky that the idea about parallel universes becomes more and more a thing that could actually exist. With so many centers of universes we need it. Fun story.


  6. You call that plagiarizing? I’ll show you plagiarizing! Nobody plagiarizes as well as I do! I can steal ideas and words better than anybody else. Nobody comes close. The Chinese have been working on stealing words for years, for years!, stealing from us hard working Americans, but if elected I’ll prove to them that nobody can do it better than I can. Under my administration we’ll once again lead the world in plagiarizing.

    Ooops, sorry, I got carried away there…

    As usual, your introduction was as funny as the actual story.


    • Those darn Chinese. And I bet they can’t even pronounce the word plagiarize. What likely happened was the offered to do it cheaper and our business leaders decided to outsource it to them. Hell, they make everything else we use in this country.

      You’ve got my vote, Trent.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Dear COTU,

    Vintage…I like that. Particularly after going to my class reunion last weekend and connecting with Vintage gang. Hard to fathom that all those ‘old folks’ were my former classmates. Tell Connie I wish her better luck at the next swap meet.




    • Dear Fanny,

      Rest assured that even though you contemporaries appear vintage, they are still just youngster when compared to primitive or neanderthal (i.e. Perry Block). Trying to swap one 60 for two 30s was pretty tall order. I’ll probably wind up in the bargain bin.

      Best regards


  8. Donald Trump was just telling me the other day how he has never met anyone as self-centered, arrogant, and egotistical as you are and how he is terrified that you may be elected president! I agree completely; the things you have said about women, Muslims, foreigners, the disabled, and others is simply despicable! You scumbag! You ass-wipe! You insidious little ….. oh, wait a minute. I got you two guys mixed up again. Sorry, it must be the orange hair I guess.


    • That happens a lot. We’re both dashingly handsome and smooth with the ladies, especially those from western Europe who don’t understand English. And we’re modest. Did I mention how modest we are?


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