Outsourced

It appears we can’t manufacture anything in America anymore. All of our dry-goods, as my mother called them (clothing, shoes, linens, artificial cotton/cotton balls), come from foreign countries. Even Donald Trump had to import his current wife, Melania, from Yugoslavia because he couldn’t find a suitable young supermodel in the United States who would tolerate his super ego and constant bragging. Who knows what foreign, low-cost supplier he’ll turn to when it’s time to replace her with a new, younger model.

Politicians are always telling us how they are going to create new jobs. Let’s be honest, the only job a politician can create is another government job. I suppose if they all hire ten additional firm, young, interns it will add another 5,000+ new jobs in Washington, D.C. Such a move would likely stimulate more than just the economy in that town. Just ask Anthony Weiner.

If you are new to Friday Flash Fiction, the Vice Chancellor of Intergalactic Blog & Comment Exchange is Paulette LeBrunett Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this weekly exercise in madness, head over to her blog for instructions. To view the writers on a wire in FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

copyright - Shaktiki Sharma
copyright – Shaktiki Sharma

“Goot morning, Mr. Dayer. My name is Harvey (a.k.a. Ninjay Fuqua) and I’m calling to renew your free circumcision to Colon & Bladder magazine. Dis call may be monitored to enjoy your complete dissatisfaction. Now, if I may ass you a few questions to confirm your conscription. Your name is Rushell Dayer, correct?”

“Yeah, that’s close enough.”

“And de name of your company is Tasty Fooze?”

“That’s right.”

“Hookay, sir. Tank you merry much. To confirm we spoke—what was your mudder’s maiden game?”

“Scott.”

“Snot? Hookay, berry goot,sir. Tank you, Mr. Dayer and employ your free prescription to Colon & Bladder. Goot day.”

 

 

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43 Comments on “Outsourced

  1. he ho ha! Those porpoises got an ear-full!
    I don’t think they (whoever they are) monitor for quality control. I routinely point out their mistakes and yet nothing has changed.

    Like

  2. Dear Peggy,

    I’m sure ve is stalking on de fone many times. But dees ees to warning you dat IRS has turn you over to Secret Serbings vere dey vill roast your tuchas over de hottish coals. Hab a good day.

    Pish and lubby dubby,

    Paulette

    Like

    • Dear Paulette,

      I haven’t heard Trump’s plan for bringing these telemarketer jobs back home, but I’m sure he has one. Just once, it would be nice hear voice from Alabama call and start the conversation with, “How y’all are?”

      Ring-a-ling,
      Rushell

      Like

  3. I can’t compete with this story or the comments but this made me laugh through my morning coffee. I had to use Google translate:
    Foreign TelemarketerAmerican English but it was worth it.
    Tracey ,that’s T R A C E Y

    Like

  4. You are a demi-god, sir, or at least 50% of you is.
    I feel enlightened.
    I always thought Ninja’s surname was spelt ‘Phucca’.
    Scoot stay to you, Ms Gaynor.

    Like

  5. I had a communications prof at Warrensburg (Central Missouri) who talked about — “Thee Lee-boh-tay-lee-en thee-oh-ree ahv shoo-mahn bings, you see …” then he would pause briefly and blink his eyes and continue. I actually learned a lot about satellites from him, but all I remembered is my imitating him to a “T” and the class laughing.

    Like they say in the furniture business, drop your drawers.

    Like

  6. Hilarious, Russell. Here in India, many people speak English but I sometimes don’t get an English speaker–not even close. They hear my American accent, there’s a silence, then they hang up. They don’t know what else to do.. 😀 — Suzanne

    Like

  7. Colon and Bladder Magazine is absolutely one of my favorites, especially with its “Bladder of the Month” feature and “Colin Powell on Colons,” which the good general knows almost as much about as he does about assholes. Now I’ve heard that guy on the phone speaks somewhat like you but I know that can’t be true because you never had a circumcision, free or otherwise.

    Like

    • You’re right on all counts, Perry. I think it’s nice that Colon & Bladder published your articles, “Love Your Enemas” and “Turn the Other Cheek.” A free circumcision is one thing I’ll pass on. I came into this world with my foreskin and plan on taking it with me when I leave.

      Like

  8. Totally wacky. My head’s spinning. I love the voice, but I bet he loses a lot of subscribers – er, prescribers, conscribers – whatever.

    Like

  9. Hilarious, Dude! Let’s get rid of democracy completely! It’s such a pain in the butt! Things were going fine when King George III was ruling us until those idiots Washington, Jefferson and all the rest stuck their big noses into the situation!

    Like

  10. I just had a telemarketer call me. His name was Josh. He talked nonstop. Wouldn’t let me get a word in. I tried to politely tell him to go away. He just kept speed-talking his schpeel. I finally had to talk over him to say I was hanging up…and then did just that. But he spoke perfect, unpunctuated, obnoxious English.

    On another matter, you mentioned Melania Trump in the same discussion with importing “dry goods.” I bet she wouldn’t care for that. I’m sure she is quite moisturized. Just sayin’…

    Like

    • That was probably me. I sometimes use an alias when stalking blonde, west coast editors, although no one has ever described my English as perfect. Obnoxious, yes, but with a hint of Southern slang.

      I’m sure Melania was quite moist when she met Donald, but he has the ability to bring out the sour puss in anyone.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Well, shut my mouth! Russ, I’ve never heard even one y’all from you (did you hear my Southern accent?). As for Melania, she must have an expensive beauty regimen to protect her from all that hot air she faces every day. 😉

        Like

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