Watching Paint Dry – Part II

I saw my first Donut Ambulance yesterday. Those of you who have a Hurts Donut Company near you may be familiar with their delivery vehicles and the opportunity to have donuts delivered to someone you love (or hate) by a scary clown.

I’m assuming the ambulance contains a couple of Emergency Donut Technicians (EDTs) who can hook up an IV and get a flow of glaze started before your heart collapses from Donut Arrest. Where were these folks when I was writing my essay on Donut Abuse?

If you are new to Friday Flash Fiction, the ringmaster of this 100-word circus is Krusty Kreme Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to join the Purple Insane Mime Posse (P.I.M.P.) sashay over to her blog for instructions. To rent a box in the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

PHOTO PROMPT © J Hardy Carroll

I had taken my son Brandon, to a Phillies game. We were headed to our seats when I noticed one of the poles supporting the mezzanine marked with a ‘wet paint’ sign. I froze in my tracks.

Brandon tugged at my arm. “Come on, Dad. We’re missing the game.” But I couldn’t leave that paint to dry alone.

“Go ahead, son. I’ll be right here if you need me.”

I never took my eye off the pole for a single second. By the time Brandon returned four hours later, I could touch it without leaving a fingerprint.

Boy, was I needing to pee.

What we have here is an excerpt from “The Joys of Watching Paint Dry” from my upcoming book, One Idiot Short of a Village. The star of this episode, Perry Block, will also be releasing a book in November. Stay tuned for more shameless self-promotions.

65 Comments on “Watching Paint Dry – Part II

  1. Dear Poppin’ Fresh,

    I can’t believe there’s really a company named Hurts Donut. When my dad had a pacemaker he asked to be hooked up to a hot fudge sundae as they wheeled him into his room. I’m looking forward to your shameful book promotion. 😉


    KK W(T)F

    Liked by 2 people

    • Dear Krusty Kreme W(T)F,

      Perhaps you could contact Hurts Donuts and see about getting a franchise in the KC area. With your experience in cake decorating, this should be a breeze. Who knows, you might even expand into bagels. After all, you already have the scary mime costume.

      I heard from Perry yesterday. He’s going to use the photo Matthew Brady took of him on the cover of his book. You may remember that one. It’s the same shot he’s been using since Al Gore invented the internet.

      Shamelessly yours,
      Poppin’ Fresh

      Liked by 1 person

      • Meditative I’d say. You know what, Russell, I reckon you could market such sessions for those high powered execs who need to take a step back and away, to recharge the batteries. Choose the right shade of paint (Autumn Glow? Nude?), add a bit of incense and some new age music wafting in the background and an afternoon of watching paint dry could become all the rage down Wall Street 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh lawzy… He didn’t even test to find out if it already was dry! He just assumed, didn’t he? Fool.
    You just kill me, Russell… 😛


  3. Why waste your time on a stupid game… it’s not every day you get the chance to see the slowly change of hue in drying paint, how the brushstrokes collapse into themselves and leave the surface smooth, how gloss reflect the clouds before the paint turns matte. This is a lifetime opportunity.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I don’t understand. I love watching paint dry! It’s way more fun that my prior hobby – watching crustaceans evolve into people. You almost never see an exciting play there.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I agree–and cleaner too. Some hobbies can be so messy. Watching paint dry is the fastest growing spectator sport in America. They’ll be televising it soon. It’s much more exciting than the Home Shopping Network.


  5. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry or do both. When is your book out, I must read more of Perry. He is curiously like Ignatius Reilly in that Pulitzer Prize classic book The Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole.

    Liked by 1 person

    • The paint drying story has several interesting characters includingThibodaux Rubidoux, a Cajun painter, and Felesca Eyeful, the color commentator. I’m familiar with The Confederacy of Dunces.
      My book will be released shortly before Christmas. Watch here for the announcement.

      Liked by 2 people

  6. Personally, I prefer plaiting sawdust to watching paint dry, but each to his own. And both options would be preferable to watching a football game. Just sayin’. Good one, Russell.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s right up there with watching a tomato ripen. Sometimes the action is pretty fast and if you blink you’ll miss the green hue morphing to pink. I get excited just thinking about it.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Great to know he has such bladder control, but I think he needs to see a therapist about this. What is it about paint drying that’s so exciting? Or a Phillies game that bad? 🙂


    • You’re right, bladder control is a wonderful thing. Normally, most paint drying enthusiasts wear one of those catheter-type bags strapped to their leg so that they don’t miss a second of the electrifying action due to potty breaks. Having watched the Phillies a few times on TV, I’d say he isn’t missing much.

      Liked by 1 person

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Mandie Hines Author

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