What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
The Most Heinous of Crimes
Tomorrow kicks off the annual gorging season here in America. Like me, I’m sure many of you have been in training for the past several weeks getting ready to put on an extra of layer of blubber before we head into winter.
There’s nothing more embarrassing than showing up at the Emergency Room with a pulled stomach muscle because you hadn’t properly exercised prior to a big meal. You’ll never win a medal at the Obese Olympics unless you get in shape—and round is the shape I’m talking about.
If you are new to Friday Flash Fiction, the chef who provides the stuffing for our weekly cornucopia of stories is Ernestine Gibbons Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to submit your tale to the weekly collection, zip over to her blog for instructions. To rent a box in the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
Detective Lowry pulled to the curb and studied the house. Other than the police tape, it looked like every other cookie-cutter home in the neighborhood.
Inside, a team of forensic experts combed the scene. The homeowners, a young husband and wife, sat shell-shocked at the kitchen table.
“What’d ya got?” Lowry asked the senior inspector.
“Not much. The Do-Not-Remove-Under-Penalty-of-Law tags from every mattress, pillow, and piece of furniture are missing. Who would do such a thing?”
Lowry wiped a white smudge from the mirror. It smeared between his finger and thumb. “When we find the invisible box, we’ll find the tags.”
59 Comments on “The Most Heinous of Crimes”
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What's So Funny? 
Dear Detective Lowry,
Still looking for the invisible box, eh? Well, the mime’s not talking.
Hope you’ve trained sufficiently for the food orgy. I’ll be sure to send over my pine cone and maple leaf salad for your dining pleasure. 😉 Oh, and I know you’ll just love my acorn cookies. Going to check my pillows for tags.
Happy Thanksgiving,
Earnestine Gibbons W(T)F
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Dear Ernestine Gibbons W(T)F,
The mime has crossed the line this time. Removing mattress and furniture tags is a federal offense. She’s lucky J. Edgar Hoover isn’t still around.
Can’t wait to try your “Surf & Turf” smoothie–worm castings with sea weed in salt water–makes my stomach churn just thinking about it. Probably clean a person out pretty good too.
Happy Thanksgiving to you and Jan,
Detective Lowry
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That is a strange crime, indeed.
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Yes, what a devious mime.
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Has the invisible box now become a burglar too, or is it in cahoots with someone else? Worrying times. Happy Thanksgiving, enjoy the feast!
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There’s plenty of reason to be concerned, Iain. If I were you, I’d take photos of all my mattress and furniture tags in case the mine strikes at your house.
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True story. When I was a little kid, I was playing with that tag on my mattress and it came off. I was scared to death. Couldn’t put it back on, so I put it under the mattress hoping that would work. No one came to arrest me, so I figured it didn’t really matter.
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I’d say you were lucky, James. Typically, kids who were caught removing the tags were sent to child labor camps and forced to spend the rest of their lives putting dimples in golf balls–a tedious and endless chore.
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Oh the horror. 😀
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Gosh! Who indeed would do such a thing? Entertaining little yarn!
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I’ll give you a hint. The mime who did this lives in the Kansas City area.
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She collects unusual invisible boxes.
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Shell shocked or out of their minds stoned? The white powder from the mirror is not giving any good vibes about the couple.
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The white stuff is grease paint–the calling card of this particular (and devious, I might add) mime. I’m sure the young couple feels distraught and violated by the loss of their tags.
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That darn invisible box! What other secrets might lurk inside? Is it a mini Bermuda Triangle? Only the dogged Lowry can find out. Nicely done Russell
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Thank, Lynn. She is clever. I’ll give her that. And devious too.
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🙂
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Not the tags!!! No wonder they are shell-shocked!
Happy Stuffing Day to you and yours!
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Thanks, Dale. I’d check the mattresses and under the furniture if I were you. You never know where the mime is going to strike next.
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There is that…. 😁
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Strange little tale – I’m still figuring it out. That white powder is definitely suspicious.
Susan A Eames at
Travel, Fiction and Photos
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It’s not powder, it’s face paint. This is an ongoing saga, and the culprit is a mime. Everyone knows it’s What’s-Her-Name, but somehow she manages to stay one step ahead of Lowry.
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I seem to remember that invisible box… and now it has made all the tags invisible too. I wonder if Schrödinger’s cat is hiding in there too.
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I wasn’t familiar with Schrödinger’s cat, so I looked it up. Fascinating subject, but would make my brain hurt if I thought on it too long. A sometimes dead/sometimes alive cat would be a good fit for the invisible box.
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Detective Lowry is being taunted by that darn mime. Removing tags is a new low. And the invisible box moves on. Good writing, Russell. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours 😀 — Suzanne
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They say rust never sleeps, and I think the same may be true about this particular mime.
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Reblogged this on Musings on Life & Experience and commented:
Another hilarious story from Russell Gayer.
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Thanks, Suzanne.
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Is there no limit to the depths people will sink? What’s wrong with this world? No, don’t get started…
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I know, Sandra. These are sad times we’re living in. I never trusted mimes, but still, I never dreamed one would resort to stealing mattress tags just to put poor innocent people at risk.
Do you think the police are going to believe you when they ask about the missing tags and you tell them the mime took it? Yeah, right sister. Off to jail you go.
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This invisible box, when was it last seen?
And when did you last hear from the mime?
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We are having a hard time verifying when the invisible box was last “seen.”
I did see the mime last Saturday. She was very smug about the box and all I got out of her was indecipherable hand signals.
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How many fingers? And which one?
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When asked about the box, she responded with one finger. I’ll let you guess which one.
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Oh my word, so funny, and who among us hasn’t hesitated to pull off those scary tags 🙂
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Those tags are scary. You never know when a video of you removing one will show up on social media.
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I have always wondered why America picked a date so close to Christmas for Thanksgiving. 🙂
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There seems to be a variety of reasons associated with the selection of the date. In researching its history, I found both George Washington and Abraham Lincoln mentioned. One article suggested that retailers encouraged Franklin Roosevelt to lock down the national holiday on the 4th Thursday of November to help with Christmas sales.
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Sorry, Russel, I got lost at cookie-cutter home. I do live across the pond, though, so that’s bound to be it.
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Some developers buy a plot of land and build a bunch of homes that all look like they can from the same mold. Hence, the cookie-cutter phrase. The tale of the invisible box (stolen by a mime) has been an ongoing saga.
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Ah… sorry.. no wonder I felt misplaced. Thanks for clarifying! Appreciated. 😎
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Brilliant
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Thank you, Neel.
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That invisible box again. Detective Lowry will have to start worrying about his badge if he doesn’t find it soon. 🙂
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It’s not an easy case when the primary piece of evidence is invisible. I’m sure his superiors are getting a little impatient, but the stealing of the tags throws gasoline on the fire. Expect an intensive “mime hunt” as some point in the future.
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How do you make us laugh every single time?? 😀
When people start getting arrested for removing those tags, it’s time to re-evaluate the priorities of the police force.
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I hope chasing down criminals, such as this mime, doesn’t cut into their time at the donut shop.
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That would be an utter catastrophe!
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Lord, I’ve felt like I’ve pulled a muscle from eating in the past. Becoming a type 2 diabetic has me avoiding the eating Olympics these days.
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A person can certainly hurt themselves with food—in more ways than one.
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Ingenious! This is the first instalment I’ve read but it works well as a weird stand alone.
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Thanks, Rachel. It’s an ongoing saga, but not a serial. I just throw one out there every now an then when it fits with the prompt and try to make each a stand-alone for those not familar with the theft of the invisible box.
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The mime strikes again. You never really can trust a person who isn’t willing to say anything. They’re quite shifty characters.
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And that face paint is kind of spooky too.
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I enjoyed reading this on my invisible laptop.
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That’s the spirit.
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The invisible box holds so many secrets!
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Yes, it does. And the mime is tricky and elusive. But Lowry won’t give up or give in until he has the box.
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I ad mire his persistence 😉
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