What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
The Ice Woman Cometh
How much time do you spend waiting in lines? According an MIT study by Richard Larson (I wonder if he’s related to Gary Larson—The Far Side cartoonist?) American’s spend 2 years of their lives waiting.
Briton’s call it Queuing and average about 67 hours a year, or 5 months, 2 weeks, and 5 days of their lives standing in lines. Last Saturday, Connie and I took 2 grandkids to Silver Dollar City and used 4 of our 6 hours at the theme park standing in lines. The other two hours were spent wedging our way through crowds trying to find the end of the lines.
One place where you never have to wait is Friday Flash Fiction. Speedy Gonzales Wisoff-Fields posts the photo promptly at the crack of midnight on Wednesday and you can join the fun whenever you’re ready. To learn how to submit your tale to the weekly collection, zip over to her blog for instructions. To rent a box in the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
I’ve never met a woman
Who’s more like the weather
She can change for the worse
At the drop of a feather
Forget that the forecast
Calls for 90 and sunny
Better put on your coat,
The Ice Woman Cometh
Like a frigid arctic blast
Sweeping down from the north
The temperature plummets
When she walks through the door
Suddenly you remember
What you like about summer
Better put on your coat
The Ice Woman Cometh
The stare “chill-factor”
Is way below zero
Her silence so deafening
It cuts to the marrow
Better put on your coat
The Ice Woman Cometh
*the above is an excerpt from a poem I wrote about 25 years ago. It’s been modified to come in at 101 words.
68 Comments on “The Ice Woman Cometh”
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Purchase ‘One Idiot Short of a Village’
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What's So Funny? 
Dear Longstanding Lorenzo
25 years ago eh? Hmmmmm.. Methinks…never mind. 101 words? Oh dear. Oh dear. A slap upon thy hand. Back to my reading endeavors.
¡Arriba! ¡Arriba! YeeHaw
Speedy Gonzalez W(T)F
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Dear Speedy Gonzalez W(T)F,
Just to clarify, the poem is an observance and not taken from personal experience. I decided it best to confess about the overage of word(s) and take my punishment up front. Otherwise, I might have to wait in line.
Just call me Mr. Patience,
Longstanding Lorenzo
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Querido Lorenzo,
Hm….mayhaps we should ask Señora Lorenzo for her take on the poem. 😉 Your story next week must stop at 99 words. You know how I can be.
Speedy Alka….oops wrong one. W(T)F
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You made me tired just writing about waiting in lines, Russell. Good poem and post. 🙂 — Suzanne
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Yes, waiting is tiring. I hope the line wasn’t too long at this blog. I could always use more readers.
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Very good – and I loved the title too.
Susan A Eames at
Travel, Fiction and Photos
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Thank you, Susan.
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If only amusement parks could be done via the internet, I do most of my waiting at the grocery store, I’d have it delivered, but I like to squeeze the lemons.
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The rides just aren’t the same online.
Squeeze the lemons all you want, just don’t squeeze the Charmin.
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LOL! They still make Charmin?
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Absolutely, except now they have a family of blue, cartoon bears in their ads. The commercial doesn’t show the bears coming out of the woods, but they claim to be ecstatic about the softness of Charmin.
Personally, I prefer Mr. Whipple. He was a one-man, anti-squeezing, police force.
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Women can certainly be fickle.. but hell hath no fury like a woman scorned! 😉
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True. I’ve been on the receiving end of scorn before. It’s no fun.
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What did you do? Yeah, yeah, you SAY you did nothing but that poem speaks way louder…
Nothing beats the lines at Disney World, Magic Kindom to be exact, on the Saturday before Christmas, with two young boys, aged 10 and 11 and a husband in the hospital… Uh huh. I done did dat. And will NEVER do that again!
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I’d threw myself on the mercy of the court, but courted one showed no mercy.
Magic Kingdom does seem so magical now, does it?
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I hear ya…
Right… It’s magically patience training!
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Gotta love the cold. It kills the germs.
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True. Very little can survive in that extreme temperature.
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Something a little different. Nicely done.
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Thanks, Iain.
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And I suppose when she turns on the charm the poor guy melts into a puddle under her feet? Unique take on the prompt. You’ll have to write on about the opposite side of her nature next week.
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It sounds like you have some experience with this phenomena. Yes, the warming side is much more pleasurable. As far as next week goes, we’ll see what the prompt brings.
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My experience from a cold-front like this is that I would desperately look for things I should have done…
take out garbage – check
do the washing, cleaning, make the bead – check
preparing dinner – sh*t
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Yes, like one house-husband put it, “I can do anything I want as long as my chores are done and I ask for permission.
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Huh. The only time I’ve been that cold to my husband is when he forgets my birthday. I mean, how hard can it be? It’s on the Fourth of July!
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Ah yes, birthdays and anniversaries. Two critical dates on the calendar. It doesn’t pay to forget those.
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Well said! Although the chilly stare can be melted with an appropriate amount of chocolates and flowers! 😀
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Yes, it’s hard to stay mad when a box of chocolates with your name on it is staring you in the face.
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I go grocery shopping at 7 a.m. just to avoid the lines. I don’t drive (if possible) when the school buses are out. Sometimes I think I’m missing out on a lot of life because I don’t like lines whether they be on foot or semi-rolling tires.
That said, I will try to avoid this Ice Woman. She sounds like a force of nature.
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I try to minimize my exposure to both heavy foot traffic and automobile backlogs too, but sometimes still find myself stuck in a jam. It drains my energy and I come home completely exhausted–much like driving in a snowstorm.
You’re right, the Ice Woman and make things very uncomfortable.
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If you avoid all these lines, whenever do you get your texting done? 😉
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Interesting you should say that. I remember when people standing in line actually engaged in conversation with each other. Today, everyone stands mute, looking down at their phone. I guess that’s okay (its certainly NOT going to change), but verbal intercourse is not such a bad thing either.
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Poor woman, she just has his best interests at heart, but men will be men I guess, they/we will never learn from gentle guidance and reminders, hence the need for the occasional (hopefully) icy stare 🙂
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Regular punishment keeps the troops in line. Otherwise, they might start feeling cocky.
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We just do that stuff to preserve our partners, keep them fresh. We could always stuff them in the freezer but where’s the fun in that? Oh wait, I see where it is…
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Ah, I see. The goal is to give them a touch of frost brite on their extremities.
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Refreshingly different both in style and content. Excellent.
Click to read my FriFic!
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Thanks, Keith.
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I agree with Dale – you must have done something to deserve the frosty reception! Great poem that had me smiling, Russell. And yes, we Brits love to queue and get very irritated if people push in. Of course, being British, we don’t actually say anything, we just tut and mumble and keep on waiting 🙂
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Who me? I probably failed to pick up on a subtle hint–we men have a gene disorder in that area.
I don’t get vocal in lines either. I doesn’t make it move faster and you look like an ass.
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Subtle hints have to become out and out explanations – or written orders, perhaps 🙂
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Oh, a poem! Very nice. It went well with the photo prompt. I wonder how that poem came to mind when you saw the photo.
Bad luck only getting to use 99 words next week. Haha
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The poem was written over 25 years ago. Every man who ever read it confesses that he can relate.
Yes, Speedy Gonzales really came down with the hard on the word overage. I’ll have to scrimp and save to pay my fine.
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Great response to the prompt! I loved having a poem for a change. I’m with Dale and Lynn. There’s definitely something ‘lived’ about that poem. Truth will out! (especially if you blog about it!)
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There’s not a male alive who hasn’t experienced The Ice Woman. The first time I met her was in elementary school. Our desks were in groups of four and she sat across from me. I think its an inherent trait that gets passed down through generations, and often an effective tactic.
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Your story reminds me of the time I forgot Nan’s birthday. Only did that once – – that’s why my head is permanently lopsided now.
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Some lessons can be quite painful.
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I have not seen snow in a decade. Thanks for bringing it back to me. Your words are so beautifully written. Would love your icy thoughts on my new short called The Writers Block. Hope to see you there.
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I don’t mind snow. What I hate is ice storms. We had a bad one in 2009 and lost electricity for 11 days. Glad you enjoyed my little poem. I’ll check out your short story.
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Yipes! I guess she’s a cold fish. We just got snow last night…in Texas! What a surprise. I guess the Ice Woman Cometh, but luckily not into the house. This is the first time I’ve seen you write poetry. I like it!
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Yes, I heard it snowed in Houston (of all places). It was 16 here in NW Arkansas this morning, but very dry. In fact, we’re under a burn ban.
I wrote poetry for about 20 years, then discovered I like short stories better. I’ve been writing strictly humor for the last 10. I’ve been working on two stories for the past couple of months and finished them both this week. One is “The Hazards of Hobbies” and the other, “Adventures in Camping.” Both are about 3,600 words.
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Most cool! I prefer humor too. I guess I’m just silly-minded most of the time. Any chance the stories are on your blog?
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I think I recently used an excerpt from the camping story in a FFF post. I don’t post the entire stories because I enter contests at writing conferences and you can only submit unpublished work. Even if you post it on your own site, they consider it published. When I get enough stories to total 60 to 70,000 words, I publish a book. “One Idiot Short of a Village” will be coming out in a couple of months. It started as a FFF story and grew to 50,000 words by itself–the longest piece I’ve ever written. There are 12 short stories in the book with it.
I’ll post a PDF of the cover and more about it when we get closer to the release date.
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Thank you for the interesting (and disturbing!) tidbits of information on waiting in lines. Thanks to Amazon, this year, I won’t be doing as much waiting . . .
And your poem! You’re a poet and I didn’t even know it! 🙂 Very clever, and I KNOW this wasn’t about Connie! 🙂
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There are a lot of restuarants where you have to wait 30 minutes to an hour just to be seated. I appreciate the fact that their food must be good, but if they have that much business, perhaps they don’t need mine.
Connie has never been one to pull the Ice Woman tactic. If she’s unhappy about something, she’s very vocal.
I prefer to think of her as The Nice Woman.
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My dad always tells me patience. We were standing in line one day at the grocery store and I wanted to get out of that line and into another because it was moving faster and he simply said, “Patience,” which by the way irritated me even more.
Anyway, I really enjoyed the poem overall. But I was hooked with the first stanza. I know some women like that. ☺️
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Patience is not an easy thing to come by, especially in today’s “rush/rush” society where instant gratification is the expected norm. Glad you enjoyed the poem.
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very clever. if nothing else, the sports illustrated swimwuit edition can help under those conditions. 🙂
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The swimsuit issue is always something to look forward to.
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Wow! Chilly and scary. But it is good you defrosted your inner poet finally.
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Insulated coveralls might come in handy in these circumstances. It’s more of a recycled poem. When I saw the photo, I couldn’t help but drag this one out of the past.
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Very appropriate!
Scott
Mine: https://kindredspirit23.wordpress.com/2017/12/11/fall-of-our-discontent/
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Thanks, Scott
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Ahem…there are plenty of icy MEN, you know.
I’m not feeling icy at all; in fact, I’m warm from laughing at your witty poem! 😀
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I suppose there are Icy Men too. Personally, I think the whole “silent treatment” is a little childish.
Glad you enjoyed the poem.
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Physical maturity does not necessarily come with emotional/mental maturity. Yes, I’m stating the obvious. 😊
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I love this!
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Thank you, Dawn.
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