Three Monkeys

As we head into the cold & flu season, expect to hear these phrases; 1) Sounds like you’re trying to catch a cold. And, 2) You couldn’t have picked a worse time to get the flu.

My responses;

  • Yes, I sat at the bus stop, waiting for six hours, then had to chase the damn cold up hill for three blocks in a snow storm. It wasn’t easy, but I finally caught the SOB.
  • The Flu and I had originally discussed getting together in mid-January, but she was overbooked and this was the only time slot she had left.

If you are new to Friday Flash Fiction, the Director of the CBC (Centers for Blog Control), who has issued a strong waring for posts exceeding 100 words, is Brenda Sneezingfitz Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to submit your tale to the weekly collection, zip over to her blog for instructions. To rent a box in the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

copyright – Bjorn Rudberg

Happy Holidays from Three Monkeys Outfitters

It’s not too late to buy the perfect gift for that gossip on your list. We have a wonderful assortment of blindfolds, earmuffs, and mouth plugs, all at holiday prices and gift wrapped at no charge.

This week, we’re running a special on hand-knitted “No-Hear” hats. Patented sound-blockers inside the flaps prevent even the smallest rumor from becoming Jerry Springer talk show material.

If you act now, we’ll also include our most popular black velvet hoodwink and unisex gag FREE. And it all comes with a 90-day no-malicious-talk guarantee.

Give ‘em the Monkey.

*this week’s post limited to 99 words due to my excessive overload of 101 words two weeks ago. You may have also notices I was missing last week–serving detention with my nose stuck inside a tiny circle on a chalkboard.

53 Comments on “Three Monkeys

  1. Haha! I’ll bet those sound dampening hats would be handy in the traffic of downtown Manhattan, or even more so in the House of Congress. Not that they need any help with that. 😉 Fun story!

    Liked by 2 people

    • I think handcuffs would be a better fit for our elected officials. They’ve got one hand stuck out accepting kick-backs from the highest bidder, and the other on the taxpayers wallets. How they find the time for groping is a miracle.

      Liked by 3 people

      • The sticky-fingered ones are always busy. I understand a few of them even bother to read they laws they foist upon us.


  2. Dear Monkey Man,

    Not sure which I enjoyed more, the intro or the story. I’ll try to remember those snappy answers to stupid comments. Goes along with “Is it cold enough for you?” I can think of a few folks I’d like to send your line of gifts to. I’m moving onto the checkouts now.


    Brenda Sneezingfitz W(T)F

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dear Brenda Sneezingfitz W(T)F,

      Some of the things people say is totally asinine, yet accepted by our culture as common phrases. Who in their right mind would be “trying” to catch a cold? Perhaps we could turn it into a competition–reality TV show, no less–and give the winner a two-week stay at a luxury hospital in Iceland.

      As for the Monkey stuff, I’ve already got the No-hearing part down–and my vision is failing. Now, if I can just learn to keep my mouth shut all will be well.

      Monkey Man

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’ve heard it said that God gave us two ears and only one mouth for a reason. 😉 The stupid things people say (and do) are limitless. Happy Holiday Traffic Jams and Theraflu to you two.

        Brenda Sneezingfitz W(T)F

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I agree with Rochelle, I MUST remember your snappy answers to those ridiculous questions.
    PLUS, I must get one of those hats! Perhaps a dozen. I know I keep saying this, but I think this is one of my favorites. Three eggnogs and sugar cookie.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks for the flattering comment, Lish. How about three cookies and one eggnog? We don’t want me getting too tipsy. I might say something foolish and need a gag.


  4. It sounds like a tough punishment, but I believe you’ve learned your lesson. And thank goodness for the comic relief of your post today. I just read a string of sad poem and stories, and I thought if I had to read one more sad story I was going to have to give up reading blogs for the day. So, thank you for the kind offering of your humor to break up the somber posts.
    Sounds like you have your responses ready for those questioning you about the cold or flu. Personally, I plan on avoiding the cold and flu like the plague.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Oh Mandie, this comment is the nicest Christmas gift.
      Writing humor is not always easy, but comments like yours make all the banging my head against the wall worth it. Thank you for being a faithful reader. I’ll try not to let you down.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Ha ha ha ha. The three wise monkeys are extremely popular in India too, as they were used as an example by our Father of the Nation, Mahatma Gandhi to encourage ‘correct’ behaviour by our citizens! Needless to mention, over the years, we’ve stopped seeing, hearing or talking to those stupid wise-ass monkeys 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I’ll take two of those ear mufflers… to replace the ones my husband seems to be wearing. They won’t make things better but they should improve his general appearance whilst I’m talking to him in vain.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. We should get together and send one to the king. Everyone could crowd together and tell him how wonderful he looks. It would be one more way to give the newsmen on TV a hearty laugh. Good writing, Russell. 😀 — Suzanne

    Liked by 2 people

  8. My husband had an ugly green Army hat with earflaps. I hated it. Most unflattering hat I’d ever seen. He finally gave up wearing it, but I think maybe that’s because he doesn’t need the earflaps to block his hearing any more 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

      • Not entirely, but it’s very difficult for him. Any interfering noise, or if I’m not looking right at him when I speak, and he’s lost. The strangest thing, though, is that rather than talking loudly as many do who are hard of hearing, he speaks very softly, and I can hardly hear him–and my hearing tests at well above normal.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Mine is the same way. Connie is bad about trying to talk to me from the kitchen with her back turned to me. If I want to understand her, I have to get up and walk in there. It’s no fun for either of us.


  9. I work in manufacturing. It’s a twelve hour night and for most of us the job in repetitive and mundane. The place is a hot bed for gossip. I would say we need this but it would be unbearably boring without the gossip!
    Good idea though. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  10. A 90-day-no-malicious-talk guarantee?? Is that even possible? 😉
    I listen to music with my earbuds when I’m sick of office gossip, so I don’t need a “No-Hear” hat, thanks. Plus, such a hat would ruin my coiffure.

    Liked by 1 person

    • 90 days is very generous. Of course there are certain provisions that have to me met. Ear buds works well too, and we wouldn’t want to ruin your coiffure.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. 🙂 The gossips that receive your special hats are going to have such a quiet new year, poor souls. Great fun story as ever. 🙂 🙂 🙂


  12. Hilarious and clever as usual, Russell. The world might be a better place with such hats. Even if they don’t work, I think with the proper marketing, there are plenty of people you could convince. 🙂 Happy New Year!

    Liked by 1 person

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Mandie Hines Author

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