Snow Job

Recently, I’ve started humming a lot. Connie says I didn’t do that before my hearing loss accident. She did some research on the intranet and evidently there’s a name for my condition; Musical Ear Syndrome.

Some people hear Symphonies, Rock & Roll, Country, or Gospel. So far, there are no reports of people hearing Rap (that would be a living hell). While my condition may be a little annoying to others, they can always change the channel just by giving my ear a twist.

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the little keyboard tap dancer who hosts our 100-word ditties is Curly Templestein Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the ensemble of practicing fic-titioners in the writers in FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

copyright – Dale Rogerson

One advantage of bellybutton lint farming is the entire crop can be grown and harvested without the aid of expensive farm implements. You don’t have to worry about drought, floods, or swarms of locusts. Occasionally, a dog tick might take up residence in your money-maker, but it’s nothing rubbing alcohol and tweezers can’t take care of.

According to the Old Farmer’s Almanac, the seasonal peak in North America occurs on Valentine’s Day. The additional belly-to-belly contact brought on by holiday celebrations has proven to stimulate lint production—providing participants keep their shirts on before, during, and after vigorous physical contact.


*the above is an excerpt from “The Ins & Outs of Bellybutton Lint Farming.” The complete story in available in my new book, One Idiot Short of a Village available on Amazon in paperback or Kindle.

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69 Comments on “Snow Job

  1. Dear Simon Soundman,

    Can you pick up the Beatles channel?

    Oh my goodness.

    Like so many of us, I’m always on the lookout for lint harvesting tips. I so appreciate these informative excerpts from the mad mad mad mad world of your mind. Guess I’ll go head for the Good Ship Polly Lop. Have a most excellent day.

    Shalom,

    Curly Templestein W(T)F

    Liked by 3 people

    • Dear Curly Templestein W(T)F

      I can get the Beatles station. Have you noticed how frequently they play “Paperback Writer?”

      I hope you schedule your appointment for Lint-O-Suction early. They’re always booked up right after the holiday.

      Happy Harvesting,
      Simon Soundman

      Liked by 2 people

    • Anything below the waist is optional. Randy Newman said “You Can Leave Your Hat On,” but I don’t think he meant that remark (which I’m now humming) for you in particular.

      Like

  2. I am equal parts amused and disturbed by your depiction of North American romantic exchanges as a key part of sowing lint oats, as it were. Hopefully your special loved one appreciates a good laugh as much as nice warm flannel in winter cohabitation.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Are you suggesting some people take their shirts off before ‘vigorous physical contact’? Sorry about your ears though – my husband has a tin in his ears. I ask him what’s making him deaf and he says tin it is. (I’ll get me coat). 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m not sure what the exchange rate is on the international market. I wonder if it will trade like items on the commodity market (corn, soybeans, etc.). Perhaps you could invest in Navel Lint futures and make a fortune.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Aside from the hilarity of belly button lint harvesting, I learned something helpful from you today. As my husband’s hearing loss grows worse, his tendency to hum or whistle increases. No particular tune, which drives me to want to harvest HIS belly button lint. But he says he hears music in his head that he recognizes, and he claims not to know he’s humming or whistling. Huh.

    Liked by 1 person

    • There’s music in my head all the time. I’ve played guitar and sang since I was 12 (50 years), so I don’t think it’s such a bad thing. The songs I hum are always ones I know, but evidently I do it without realizing that I’m humming out loud. Not being able to hear well, sometimes I get a little loud and Connie finds it annoying. I’m getting new custom-fit hearing aids in a couple of weeks. I don’t know if they’ll reduce my humming, but at least I should be able to hear myself (and others) better.

      Liked by 2 people

  5. From snow to belly-button lint. This was amusing, though I read it with a slight grimace. I wondered why participants in belly-to-belly rubbing kept their shirts on, and then realised it made for greater output. Well thought out farming methods, I must say 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Such a wonderful imagination you have. I never knew belly button lint harvesting was such a great business. I need to read more widely obviously – I’m adding the Old Farmer’s Almanac to my wish list 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Mohair is a good option this time of year.

      A lot more people have hearing loss than would care to admit it. I’m pretty open about my problem. People are pretty good about helping you out if they know you’re having difficulty understanding their words.

      Liked by 1 person

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