The Sinking of U.S.S. Mother-In-Law

Mother’s Day is Sunday and it’s only fitting that we pause and pay homage to the women who have made our lives heaven, hell, or some combination thereof. My own dear mother was a sweet Christian woman, naïve to the ways of the world, who generally thought the best of everyone. I didn’t realize until I left home how truly fortunate and blessed I was.

Not all women are cut out to be mothers. Some are better suited dishing out torture in prison camps, writing hate slogans for the Ku Klux Klan, and vaccinating patients at the doctor’s office. A good rule of thumb is DO NOT marry a child of one of these women. If you hurt their baby, they will track you to the ends of the earth and tear you apart limb by limb.

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, our Grand Marshall for this Mother’s Day Parade of blogs is Roseanne Rosannadanna Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

copyright - B.W. Beacham
copyright – B.W. Beacham

She was a proud boat. Her magnificent deck measured 284 square feet. Made from the finest South-Pacific bamboo, she was lovingly lashed together with over 3,000 feet of vine.

“What cha gonna name her, Skipper?” asked the mate.

“She’ll be named after a woman I’ll never forget, my mother-in-law.”

“Is that because she is supportive, dependable, and concerned about the welfare of her loved ones?”

“No, Gilligan. It’s because her sail is full of hot air and her deck croaks ‘nag, nag, nag’ every time I take a step.”

“Oh no, we’ll never get off this island,” moaned Gilligan.

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Here’s a great Mother’s Day song for y’all to enjoy.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YcBOcwgb4OA

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55 Comments on “The Sinking of U.S.S. Mother-In-Law

  1. If you ask me, everyone at Friday Fictioneers should be nag,nag,nagging you for more comedy such as in your book “The Perils of Heavy Thinking.” Great stuff and not a clunker in the mix (at least not yet that I’ve seen). It would be a perfect Mother’s Day present, everyone! (I hope I get a commission on this)

    Like

    • Thanks for the plug, Perry. You may become the Don King of humor writer promoters. We’ll have to discuss your rate later.

      Like

  2. Very funny and clever, Russell. Nice job!

    For the record… I consider myself a very good mother, and but hurt one of my babies… I “will track you to the ends of the earth and tear you apart limb by limb.” 😉

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  3. I was feeling melancholy and thinking of my 22 year old son who is away from home for the first time during your prologue. Your story snapped me out of it and made me laugh as I thought of my own mother and the “love” between her and hubby number one.

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  4. hopefully, this story doesn’t speak for all mother-in-laws. otherwise, better marry a rich orphan. 🙂

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  5. Oh dear…poor Gilligan. The skipper should know better being a scientific man. They’re doomed. And just for a laugh (which you always give us)

    I can always tell when the mother-in-law’s coming to stay. The mice throw themselves on the traps.

    I haven’t spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.

    I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

    😀

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  6. This explains a lot. Like many people I wondered how on earth they could possibly stay marooned on an island for that long. Now we know. 🙂

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    • Yeah, I don’t think the skipper was really that anxious to get back home. After all, he had Ginger and Mary Ann on an island.

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  7. Russell, Hilarious as usual. XD I was fortunate to have had a good mother and a good mother-in-law. Mother-in-law jokes are rampant in India, probably because many a girl here has had to live in the same house as her mother-in-law. I lived in a different country so had no problem.

    Susan

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  8. Ooh you are a brave man Russell. I am guessing your MIL does not have internet access. Great story, double points for bravery.

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  9. Russel, having come from one of those Mother’s who could have ran gitmo and been bored, I had to chuckle. Yes, I agree, if you did anything to my children, I would hunt you to the ends of the earth and dismember you one little piece at a time…What REAL mother wouldn’t, eh? That said, I really enjoyed this write. It describes my MIL so to a tee! Probably the reason we moved out of state and only have contact through email! 🙂 Much to my relief! 🙂

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  10. My mother, Russell, was a snarky Catholic woman, so when religion was left out of the mix we got along fine — and she was okay with letting me watch Gilligan’s Island to my heart’s content even though she thought my cultural tastes were in the direction of mind rot.

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    • You’re always going to the theater, art shows, etc. (even modern art-yuk!) so I think your cultural tastes of today are light years ahead of mine. It is comforting to know, that even a New Yorker can appreciate Gilligan’s Island. We all need a little silliness from time to time.

      Like

  11. Not all mothers-in-law are bad – I am one myself – but you have obviously suffered and you have my sympathy.

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  12. Of course, a mother-in-law was involved! That explains everything, Russell. And it’s so nice to see Roseanne Rosannadanna here. Excellent!

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  13. This was an absolute treat to read – and I bet you had a great time writing it too!

    Certainly a unique twist to this prompt! 🙂

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  14. I’ve been wondering at the absence of submissions related to this venerable Day of Honor. Excellent post. As a Mother, a Future Mother-in-Law & former Daughter -in-Law of a Mother -In-Law (oy!) this is so appreciated! Great humor. Inviting you to stop by my #FridayFictioneers post. Feedback very Welcome!

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  15. Dear Russell,

    You are a loon, i say, “I’ll never get off this island” all the time. Going to try to do it to meet you. Where at, Skipper?

    Aloha,

    Doug

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  16. Russell, you never disappoint. Very clever story and your mother-in-law was a lucky woman having you for a son-in-law. You have a positive outlook on life, a very good sense of humor and you have Connie on a pedestal (where she belongs). Excellent story, my mother-in-law passed last year and I do miss her. Every once in a while there is something I think of and she would find it funny too. For a nano-second I was ‘happy’ and then I smiled. Life is like that – yes it is! Have a good week Russell! Nan 🙂

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    • Thanks, Nan. I hate negativity. It really sucks the air from our sails. Keep smiling and looking for that rainbow.

      Like

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