The Art of Whine

Several years ago, Connie and I volunteered to work an event called “The Art of Wine” at the Walton Arts Center. This is as close as it gets to a red-carpet, Hollywood-style evening in Northwest Arkansas where our most elite (and wealthiest) citizens turn out in droves to be seen in their Sunday best. I had always wanted to attend, but tickets are $150/head (to keep out the riffraff—like me).

The gentlemen dress most dapper and the ladies tend to wear staccato heels and evening gowns which leave little to the imagination. My partner was armed with a walkie-talkie to communicate with the rest of the crew. Many times during the evening we were called to respond to “Code Pink” emergencies indicating possible wardrobe malfunctions. Fortunately, no one was seriously injured, but my partner did suffer from severe eye strain for several days following the event.

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, our writing sommelier who knows the difference between vintage prose and bathroom graffiti is Juliette Gallo Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF  Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.


copyright - Marie Gail Stratford
copyright – Marie Gail Stratford

Prelude – In this week’s episode Jack Horner takes Goldilocks to dinner at the Fairy Tale Café.


Waiter:        Good evening Mr. Horner. We’ve reserved your usual table.

Goldilocks:  But J-aack, it’s too dark in the cor-n-er.

Jack:           Would you rather sit by the window?

Goldilocks:  Nooo. The light from the street’s too ha-r-s-h.

Waiter:        Very well. Here’s table near the center of the room. Would you like something to drink, or an appetizer?

Jack:           Two cups of tea and some curds and whey.

Goldilocks:  J-aack, you know I’m a-ller-gic to gluu-ten. I want fruit sal-ad.

The waiter returns with the appetizers and tea.

Goldilocks:  This tea is too h-o-t.

Jack:           Put some ice in it.

Goldilocks:  I d-i-d. Now, it’s too c-o-ld.

Jack:           Will you excuse me? I need to visit the men’s room.


Epilogue – Little Jack Horner escaped through the door in the corner and never was

seen again.


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47 thoughts on “The Art of Whine

  1. Seems our dear Jack is wishing he hadn’t dumped Little Miss Muffet. As I was rushing to Amazon for your book I tripped on some curds. At least I hope that’s what it was. HA! Excellent funny tale, Russell. I’ll make my way back into the FF circle again, but I gotta get my homework done first. It seems I never finish. No sooner do I get one assignment completed, they give us another! GAAAHHH!!


  2. Russell, Hilarious. 😀 Goldilocks really is a big whinner. Jack, however, wasn’t much of a gentleman, but fairytale folk are often unpredictable. With her disposition she’s probably used to it by now. Is it my imagination, or are there more and more wardrobe malfunctions happening in public these days? It seems to be catching like the plague. It seemed to start in LA and has spread across the country. Well written as always. 🙂 —Susan


    1. When your outfit is made of bandanas held together with fishing line malfunctions are bound to happen. I do think some are intentional, though. People love attention, and nothing gets attention like showing a little skin.


  3. Good for Jack, sneaking away like that. I understood Goldilocks was a nymphomaniac because she liked sleeping in other people’s beds. Jack deserved better (maybe the Queen of Hearts isn’t doing anything tonight …).

    Fun story, Russell!


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