Baby, It’s Cold Down Here

We’re experiencing an unusual weather pattern in the Ozarks this summer. Normally, this time of year we are bombarded with torrential downpours of blistering sunshine and drought so severe that trees are chasing dogs in hopes of finding some much needed liquid refreshment.

The temperature still hovers near 100, but El Swampo has brought rain two or three times a week. Now, we have to carry a chainsaw everywhere we go just to cut through the humidity on our way from the house to the car and vice versa. If this continues, I may have to take an additional bath between now and Christmas.

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the author who serves up more historical fiction than her namesake does fruit salad is Carmen Miranda Wisoff-Fields.  If you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF  Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

copyright - Dee Lovering
copyright – Dee Lovering

Satan felt a draft.

“Dameon, get in here,” he bellowed. “Where is all this cold air coming from? Some of our condemned souls are getting downright comfortable. The serial killers and pedophiles are cracking jokes about sweaters and coats. Sinners are even questioning my ability to maintain a tortuous environment.”

“We believe the source of the problem is a woman named Sharon Cox, Your Evilness.”

“Hmm…, didn’t we break her heart a few years ago?”

“Yes, My Lord, and she vowed Hell would freeze over before she fell in love again.”

“Well…?”

“It appears she has met someone special, Sire.”

____________________________________________________

I hope you don’t think I’m going soft just because I added a hint of  romance to this week’s story. After seeing the photo, I felt like an idiom, especially in the wake of all the great comments from two weeks ago.

And no, Perry, I will not give you Ms. Cox’s phone number or email address.

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61 thoughts on “Baby, It’s Cold Down Here

    1. Flying pigs, bears who refuse to poop in the woods, and purses made from a goat’s moustache. Oops, I guess I got that last one wrong. Glad you enjoyed it, Suzanne.

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  1. This is a really good one, Russell. I enjoyed your intro too. Here in Kansas City we are also having flood issues, but that happens pretty regularly here. I got a giggle out of “trees chase dogs.” I can see that happening, what with those scary trees from Wizard of Oz and all. Being from Kansas, I didn’t see a tree until I was 12 or so, and they do rather creep me out.

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    1. Just the opposite here. I was an adult before I ever saw flat country, and to be honest, I find it rather scary. Glad you like the “trees chasing dogs” analogy. It doesn’t get much dryer than that.

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  2. I wish women had that kind of power! 😉 And if Hell has frozen over, I might not mind taking a trip down there (if they’d have me, that is…I’m kind of angelic, so I might not qualify). 😉

    I think everyone is experiencing wacko weather patterns this year. It’s been hot and sunny since May up here in the supposedly cool, gloomy Pacific NW. In my former home of upstate NY, they feel lucky if the sun comes out and the temps rise above 70.

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    1. I’ve experienced the “Ice Woman” treatment before. It was not pleasant. You do have an angelic look, but I can see the mischievousness in your eyes. 🙂 I bet you’re quite the prankster.

      One good thing about the weather in Arkansas, it changes about every three days.

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      1. Ah, yes, the cold shoulder…it knows no gender bounds (unlike the evil eye–women kind of have the market on that one).

        If you see any devilishness in my eyes, it’s only in terms of trying to be clever. I never was a prankster. As I said, too angelic for hooliganistics!

        Lastly, this is the only place I’ve lived where that old adage about not liking the weather and just waiting for (fill in the blank for a time period) DOESN’T hold. It’s very consistent up here. At least it is by season. And we are in the hot, sunny, dry season. I’m waiting for the other season: cool, gray, damp! 🙂

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  3. LOL. Hilarious, and imaginative, I love it when you go romantic. And your intro: why did you have to send the scorching heat and drought our way? We’re just not used to 100+ temperatures here (according to my unit converter). Now, if there was an ocean, and a nice beach, and no work where I live… alas!

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  4. Jocular remarks about excessive heat are far too near the knuckle down here in Tenerife, where the weather is similar to that of our nearest neighbour, Africa.
    Nice story, though. Don’t overdo the baths.

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  5. Once Sharon’s honeymoon period fades, I’m sure that things will heat up again down below, Russell.

    We had some wicked horrible heat and humidity up here last Sunday through Tuesday. Milton had to carry spare shirts and a towel.

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    1. Satan may have to kick in another furnace or two.

      Sounds like Milton needs to invest in one of those little battery powered fan/misters. You know it’s hot when you have to start carrying a change of clothes with you.

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