Baby, It’s Cold Down Here

We’re experiencing an unusual weather pattern in the Ozarks this summer. Normally, this time of year we are bombarded with torrential downpours of blistering sunshine and drought so severe that trees are chasing dogs in hopes of finding some much needed liquid refreshment.

The temperature still hovers near 100, but El Swampo has brought rain two or three times a week. Now, we have to carry a chainsaw everywhere we go just to cut through the humidity on our way from the house to the car and vice versa. If this continues, I may have to take an additional bath between now and Christmas.

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the author who serves up more historical fiction than her namesake does fruit salad is Carmen Miranda Wisoff-Fields.  If you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF  Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

copyright - Dee Lovering
copyright – Dee Lovering

Satan felt a draft.

“Dameon, get in here,” he bellowed. “Where is all this cold air coming from? Some of our condemned souls are getting downright comfortable. The serial killers and pedophiles are cracking jokes about sweaters and coats. Sinners are even questioning my ability to maintain a tortuous environment.”

“We believe the source of the problem is a woman named Sharon Cox, Your Evilness.”

“Hmm…, didn’t we break her heart a few years ago?”

“Yes, My Lord, and she vowed Hell would freeze over before she fell in love again.”


“It appears she has met someone special, Sire.”


I hope you don’t think I’m going soft just because I added a hint of  romance to this week’s story. After seeing the photo, I felt like an idiom, especially in the wake of all the great comments from two weeks ago.

And no, Perry, I will not give you Ms. Cox’s phone number or email address.

61 Comments on “Baby, It’s Cold Down Here

  1. We have humidity issues up in Wisconsin, too. Sometimes we have to chew the air before breathing in.


    • Inquiring minds have often asked that question. Glad I could shed some light on the subject. I’m sure Beelzebub will do all he can to break up the happy couple.


  2. Hilarious, Russell. People are going to have to find something else to make vows about. I guess there’s still the issue of pigs flying. Well done. 😀 — Suzanne


    • Flying pigs, bears who refuse to poop in the woods, and purses made from a goat’s moustache. Oops, I guess I got that last one wrong. Glad you enjoyed it, Suzanne.


  3. Hilarious! 😀 Though I must say, happy that Sharon met someone. Even if Hell is getting a little nippy. 😛

    PS: The historical fiction could be tastier than the fruit salad. :mrgreen:


  4. Very funny, Russell. Sharon is one special lady. How about some fruit with that humidity? Oh, maybe not. Sorry about that. Humidity is the worst. Stay cool!


  5. This is a really good one, Russell. I enjoyed your intro too. Here in Kansas City we are also having flood issues, but that happens pretty regularly here. I got a giggle out of “trees chase dogs.” I can see that happening, what with those scary trees from Wizard of Oz and all. Being from Kansas, I didn’t see a tree until I was 12 or so, and they do rather creep me out.


    • Just the opposite here. I was an adult before I ever saw flat country, and to be honest, I find it rather scary. Glad you like the “trees chasing dogs” analogy. It doesn’t get much dryer than that.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I wish women had that kind of power! 😉 And if Hell has frozen over, I might not mind taking a trip down there (if they’d have me, that is…I’m kind of angelic, so I might not qualify). 😉

    I think everyone is experiencing wacko weather patterns this year. It’s been hot and sunny since May up here in the supposedly cool, gloomy Pacific NW. In my former home of upstate NY, they feel lucky if the sun comes out and the temps rise above 70.


    • I’ve experienced the “Ice Woman” treatment before. It was not pleasant. You do have an angelic look, but I can see the mischievousness in your eyes. 🙂 I bet you’re quite the prankster.

      One good thing about the weather in Arkansas, it changes about every three days.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ah, yes, the cold shoulder…it knows no gender bounds (unlike the evil eye–women kind of have the market on that one).

        If you see any devilishness in my eyes, it’s only in terms of trying to be clever. I never was a prankster. As I said, too angelic for hooliganistics!

        Lastly, this is the only place I’ve lived where that old adage about not liking the weather and just waiting for (fill in the blank for a time period) DOESN’T hold. It’s very consistent up here. At least it is by season. And we are in the hot, sunny, dry season. I’m waiting for the other season: cool, gray, damp! 🙂


  7. LOL. Hilarious, and imaginative, I love it when you go romantic. And your intro: why did you have to send the scorching heat and drought our way? We’re just not used to 100+ temperatures here (according to my unit converter). Now, if there was an ocean, and a nice beach, and no work where I live… alas!


  8. Your story is good, no need to feel like an …
    Oh, sorry, idiom.
    Okay, just moving away quietly, Mick.


  9. I dunno what’s funnier… your intro or your story!
    One must be careful when one makes one’s vows… and apparently Satan has lost his touch!


  10. Jocular remarks about excessive heat are far too near the knuckle down here in Tenerife, where the weather is similar to that of our nearest neighbour, Africa.
    Nice story, though. Don’t overdo the baths.


  11. I don’t know who this lady is but am impressed by the fact that she can bring about climate change even in hell. Great intro and story 🙂


  12. Once Sharon’s honeymoon period fades, I’m sure that things will heat up again down below, Russell.

    We had some wicked horrible heat and humidity up here last Sunday through Tuesday. Milton had to carry spare shirts and a towel.


    • Satan may have to kick in another furnace or two.

      Sounds like Milton needs to invest in one of those little battery powered fan/misters. You know it’s hot when you have to start carrying a change of clothes with you.


  13. Top stuff this week. Also: *Satan felt a draft.* may be one of the best opening lines I’ve read in a long, long time.


  14. An extra bath? Don’t think so with the water shortage. You’re going to need Plan B–like a wet vac to remove the moisture in the air. Have a great week!


  15. I like the new layout!

    How unfortunate for Satan. Hopefully he can make a sinner out of her special someone. Either that or buy a decent HVAC.


  16. Thanks, Jackie. Glad you like the new look.
    I think Satan is in the market for a new 20 megaton gas furnace. He starts shivering when the temp drops below 250F.


  17. Dear Russell, You are so darn funny – you make – a – me laugh! What a great story! Sorry I haven’t been around lately – been busy. Nan


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