American Nose Pickers

Come with me, if you will, to a parallel universe created within the twisted mind of a sick humorist. A journey that will challenge your imagination and catapult you to a place where you can not only Pick your Friends and Pick your Nose, but can also Pick your Friend’s Nose.

A tale too long for its own good. So gross and disgusting that you will be tempted to repeatedly fire a squirt gun in one ear in hopes of flushing the wretched images from your mind. A fable that can only come from the deep recesses of that black-hole of juvenile humor known as the Half-Wit Zone.

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the executive producer of our program is the acclaimed artist and author Rodette Serling Wisoff-Fields.  If you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF  Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

copyright - G.L. MacMillan
copyright – G.L. MacMillan

(cellphone rings)

“Hey Xanielle, whaddaya have for us?”

“There’s a guy off I-476 with a proboscis you could park a ’48 Packard in. He’s been collecting antique glassware for forty years and he’s ready to unload both nostrils.”

“What’s his name?”

“Karl Jimmy Durante Malden Streisand.”

“Any old rock-glass Shabbat sets in there?”

“Spike, why must you assume everyone with a cavernous honker is Jewish?”

(minutes later, they pull into a driveway)

“You must be Karl. I’m Hank and this is Spike. We’re pickers. Quite a schnoz you’ve got there. Mind if we poke around a bit?”

“Nah, go ahead.”

[100 WORD WARNING – LIMIT ACHIEVED – PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK]

 

“Wow, look at this Spike. An early 1950s Mobil gas pump with Pegasus on the globe.”

“Cool. What about this, Karl? It hard to tell with all the dried mucus, but it looks like a Mercury space capsule.”

“Yeah, that’s the one John Glenn orbited the earth in back in ’62.”

“This place is packed. What made you decide to part with some of this stuff?”

“It’s getting hard to breathe.”

________________________________________________________________

For those of you not in the know, today’s offering is a parody of the television show American Pickers. Mike Wolfe and Frank Fritz scour America is search of antiques hidden in barns, basements, and nasal cavities (just kidding). Their cohort, Danielle, runs the store, Antique Archaeology, while the guys are on the road. She also calls them frequently with updates of possible sellers and new picking locations.

 

 

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41 Comments on “American Nose Pickers

  1. LOL – Great job in discovering a new line of work : picking other’s nose. It’s not a job that can be outsourced !

    Like

  2. Heehee, great take on the TV show. I like the fact that both the endings (achieved limit and final ending) work really well.

    Like

  3. Thanks, Lily. I couldn’t believe the breaking point landed at exactly 100 words, but there was no way I could stop without working mucus in somewhere.

    Like

  4. Dear Spike,

    Make that two squirt guns…or maybe a squirt Uzi. Durante Malden Streisand had me rolling. Due to your word limit indiscretion you’ll be fined a penny for each word and the word count police are taking possession of your alphabet soup until further notice.

    Submitted with disapproval,

    Shalom from another dimension,

    Rodette

    Like

    • Dear Rodette
      Sounds like Connie and I will be living on Ramen noodles for a while. That payroll deduction is going to hurt. But not as bad as the loss of alphabet soup. Oh well, she picks out all the Xs and Zs anyway.
      – Spike

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh dear! You may have just ruined one of my favorite shows for me–forever. But I’ll forgive you–that’s just how kind I am.

    Cheers!
    MG

    Like

  6. As always your flashes are some of my favorites! At least you weren’t saving farts in the colorful bottles, but hey maybe next time. Picking noses, or picking junk, you need a shower afterwards no matter what! 🙂 thanks for the laughs!

    Like

  7. I’ve only seen American Pickers once – that was enough. You caught its true essence in this delightful piece. Plus the line-up of famous noses . . .What a hoot! (Have you permanently changed the look of your blog? I like it!) Alicia

    Like

    • The same plastic surgeon who worked on Karl Jimmy Durante Malden Streisand’s nose worked on my blog. It looks and feels larger, don’t you think?

      Like

  8. Russell, years ago, I saw that Mercury space capsule when the Smithsonian had a traveling exhibition. I can say with authority that it was definitely not coated in dried mucous. That had to be Skylab trapped in that honker.

    Like

  9. Grief man, what orifice will you be exploring next? No… don’t tell me. Just warn me. And happy new website! 🙂 Love it.

    Like

  10. I am amused to see that Ms Rodette already fined you… you are walking a crazy line mister! I know the show, but was lost in your infinitely amusing world. Not a bad place to be lost. 😉

    Like

  11. I don’t understand half of it, and still laugh. TV shows… I love that you use the word proboscis, and the whole idea of that out-of-this-world nose containing all these treasures. Squirt guns wash of mucus, too. And I like the new layout, too.

    Like

  12. Hilarious and way out. I think this is out farther than any “zone” I’ve ever known, Russell. You outdid yourself this time. I love the new look of your blog.

    Like

    • This is a little deeper into the Half-Wit Zone than I usually take my readers. But I thought it was time you had a real adventure.

      Like

  13. I’ll have you know I have a very small nose — many call it dainty — that could fit very little besides a Buick. Alright it’s a little bit large. Okay it’s a bit on the enormous side except for the dainty part that’s at my knees. Very funny piece as always despite the disgusting aspects. Good use of the word “proboscis.”

    Like

    • Well, Pinocchio, you did drop by. I was beginning to think you had abandoned me. I threw in a few disgusting aspects just for you. No extra charge.

      Like

    • You’re not the first to say that, Mick. 🙂
      JB Hogan mentioned it when writing the blurb for the back of my book. It almost pushed my sales into double digits.

      Liked by 1 person

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