Leaky Weeks

In effort to improve my wit and humor, my daughter gifted me a book entitled “The Insult Dictionary.” The good thing about these insults is that many of them go back hundreds of years, so when you use one, the party you’re addressing doesn’t even realize they’re being put down.

One of my favorites is; “Vice Admiral of the Narrow Seas.” Noun ~ A drunken man who urinates under the table on his companion’s shoes. Please share your favorite slanderous saying in the comment section.

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, our resident expert on swimming up to your neck in 100-word tales is Doris Salacia Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the ensemble of practicing fic-titioners in the writers in FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

copyright – Roger Bultot

Dear Ma & Pa,

Finding work in the big city ain’t easy. You cain’t talk to nobody about a job, you have to get on a computer and type in a bunch o’ stuff. But thanks to Cousin Audrey, I got on the government tit.

My boss is a senator from Arkansas. Right off, he gave me something called a security clearance. I’m supposed to keep my eyes and ears open and watch out for something called Liberals—they cause leaks.

Liberals must be worse than woodpeckers cause they got bowls sitting everywhere to catch the water.

Your son,


62 Comments on “Leaky Weeks

  1. Dear Clem,

    Might that be tit for tat? I’d start a battle of wits, but I don’t want to fight with an unarmed man. 😉 Have a good day anyhoo.


    Doris Salacia W(T)F

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dear Doris Salacia W(T)F,

      Ha! That sounds like something a Liberal would say.
      I scoff at your challenge. I may be unarmed, but I still got two good legs.

      Please empty those large bowls on your way out.


  2. Ah yes, politics.
    I believe that is a kinda touchy topic with you democratic types across the pond, wondering who’ll be next to buy the Presidency.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s quite the bidding war. The pharmaceutical companys have the high bid at the moment, but I think the gun industry is about to raise them. Sadly, the technology companies aren’t playing and the big oil barrons stepped out to take a whiz.


  3. Is Clem’s last name Kadiddlehopper, by any chance?

    Shakespeare had some wonderful insults. A favorite of mine:“I’ll beat thee, but I would infect my hands.” (Timon of Athens, Act 4, Scene 3)

    Liked by 2 people

    • Dear Linda,

      You win the bonus round for guessing Clem’s last name. What a great character Red Skelton created. Plus, you get double points for the clever Shakespeare quote. You’re on a roll, girl. Today’s the day to buy a lottery ticket.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Simple man got a job in big city. But, he is in bad company. His innocent mind is being polluted. A reality of our lives. Nice story.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I think he will be barking up the wrong tree when looking for woodpecker liberals. Sorry… I think his prospects to be anything but a senator are low…

    We had a book once called how to be abusive in five languages, and what I remember most any insult sounded much harsher in German than in any other language…
    The one I remember most was (at the hotel)

    Hier stinkt es als von tote gästen…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well, who would’ve thought Trump would be elected President? Certainly not this woodpecker.

      I’ll have to agree that the Germans can certainly dish it out, but the British are pretty clever when it comes to bashing people too.


  6. Ah, Clem in the spirit of Gomer Pyle, although I don’t think Gomer would have stayed long. Too much lying. “Your bait of falsehood takes this carp of truth.” WS.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. “Liberals must be worse than woodpeckers cause they got bowls sitting everywhere to catch the water.” Clem’s logic is impeccable.
    I wonder what Clem is supposed to do with Liberals once he finds them. Follow them around with bowls?

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I must follow Clem on twitter! Churchill had some wicked insults. Speaking of conservative politician Stanley Baldwin, he said: “I wish Stanley Baldwin no ill, but it would have been much better if he had never lived.“

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I sense you, Clem, have a great future, provided you are extremely patient. Moreover, to ensure your glittering career is not behind you, before what we expert pundits call the “get go”, do please try not to tinkle on your dinner partner’s shoes.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Good stuff, politics eh?! You’ve got Trump, we’ve got Brexit, the worlds going to dust.
    Heres an insult and I have Monty P to thank,
    Your father is a Hamster and your mother smells of Elderberries, now go and boil your bottoms you so called English K-nig-hts or I shall taunt you a second time!

    Liked by 1 person

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