The Shallow End of the Gene Pool

Well, I made it back from my four-day sabbatical in the wilderness (otherwise known as Silver Dollar City Campground in Branson, Missouri). Unlike Jesus, I didn’t fast for forty days, but I was tempted by the Devil.

Satan showed up with some beer and started ragging me about all the poor, hard-working Americans at the brewery who count on me for a paycheck.

Then he quoted Babe Ruth and said, “If you don’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams will be shattered. It’s better for you to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about your liver.” How can you argue with logic like that?

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, our emcee—and the star of our show—is Bobbi Jo Barker Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF  Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

-CJH WARNING – The post below contains crude, juvenile humor.

copyright – Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

 

Arvel loved submarines. As a youngster, he used to lie on his back in the bathtub and holler, “Periscope up!”

He joined the navy right out middle-school, having completed each of the last three grades twice.

Arvel had no problem treading water and could float like a Baby Ruth candy bar*, even propelling himself along, providing his diet contained the optimum mixture of broccoli and beans.

The highlight of his military career came while stationed in New England. Arvel led a group of drunken sailors protesting higher liquor taxes in what later became known as the famous Boston Pee Party.


* see this clip from the movie Caddyshack

 

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42 Comments on “The Shallow End of the Gene Pool

  1. Ah yes, the Pee is silent, as in bath.
    And a question, Russell, as you clearly know about all things nautical.
    Why do submarines not have sun-decks?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You did what you had to do, Russell. Good of you to sacrifice yourself that way.
    As for Arvel. I am sure his mama is grad he did something 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Russell, I’ll bet his teachers were happier than his mother when he gradually left school. They must have needed a special desk just for him. He seems to be leaving his puddle…er…mark in the world. 😀 — Suzanne

    Liked by 1 person

    • We did. It rained pretty hard Friday evening and we had a hard time keeping the water off the roof of Connie’s “Easy Tent.” Don’t be fooled by the name. There’s nothing “easy” about it.

      Like

  4. Dear Arvel the Human Submarine

    Nice to see you’ve resurfaced this week. Alas, my response time has been impeded by a jump across the pond where Cuzzin Kent and I are having a good time at everyone’s expense. 😉 Great Mediterranean food. Not a Baby Ruth in sight. Come to think of it, not a pool in sight.

    I laughed at your taxing story and feel myself fortunate to have missed Boston Pee Party. It’s nice to see that you listened to your humanitarian instincts in Silver Dollar City.

    Shalom,

    Bobbi Jo Barker W(T)F

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dear Bobbi Jo Barker W(T)F,

      So, you and Cuzin’ Kent have infested the Holy Land. That’s got to be worse than the fleas from a thousand camels. I’m quite sure they’ve never seen anyone quite like you. I know I haven’t.

      Please try to keep your hands off the furniture and mattress tags. That could get ugly going through customs and really screw up the ending to my book. (it’s all about me, you know.)

      Be safe, and have a good time,
      Arvel, the Human Submarine.

      Like

  5. Not a very successful military career for Arvel. He might have loved navy but was not cut out for the job. Liked the analogy, Baby Ruth candy bar. Arvel would sink and self propel.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Reminds me of the junior high boys I used to teach, who never laughed at a joke unless it was bathroom- related. They hardly knew how to speak when I banned potty-mouth in my classroom 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. The navy was fortunate to have found someone so highly qualified. It’s not every day that one finds someone who has completed the last three grades of middle school not once, but twice!
    I wonder why he stopped playing submarine in the bathtub. Has he lost his interest in submarines?

    Like

  8. Arvel’s quite a piece of work. Let’s hope he retires from the navy before he does too much damage. One Boston P** Party is quite enough, I imagine. So glad I wasn’t there.

    Like

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Mandie Hines Author

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