What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
Fantasy Baseball
This week, I’ve been thinking about urban legends. You know, that modern genre of folklore where false claims or fictitious tales are circulated as true. One of my dad’s favorites regarded the pulling of a baby tooth. “If you don’t stick your tongue in the hole, a gold tooth will grow in to replace it.”
Here’s a few I’ve been working on:
- Keith Richards is a mortal.
- If a man says something in the forest and no woman hears him, he must be right.
- Mimes are known to steal Do-Not-Remove tags from other people’s furniture & mattresses.
I’m sure you must have a few of your own. Please include one or more in the comments section.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, our hostess is the 7’ 4” tall Dinka warrior, Xena Catrina Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
I had taken my son, Brandon, to a baseball game. On the way to our seats, I noticed a WET PAINT sign on a mezzanine support post. Naturally, I had to touch it. The paint was damp.
I froze in my tracks.
Brandon tugged at my arm, “Come on, Dad. We’re missing the game.”
But I couldn’t leave that paint to dry alone.
“Go ahead, Bran. I’ll be right here if you need me.”
I stared intently at the post. Four and a half hours later, I could touch it without leaving a fingerprint.
Boy was I needing to pee.
46 Comments on “Fantasy Baseball”
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What's So Funny? 
I hope you’re not implying baseball is less interesting than watching paint dry… although a do know a few who might agree with that!
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I had the same thought.
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Not at all. Dad loves baseball but is also OCD, and is obsessed with watching paint dry.
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He actually spent hours waiting patiently for the paint to dry 🙂
And missed the match as well…
Such people too exist.
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Like the Door’s song, “People Are Strange”
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I’d say he needs to get out more, but he was out
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He would’ve stayed home if there’d been wet paint to watch. In the winter, he enjoys watching snow melt, and in the summer, watching grass grow. Oh, the excitement!
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Lemme see, to add to your myths:
If man is sent to the grocery store with a list, can he really and truly stick to the list?
As for watching paint dry, let’s call it meditation…
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Good one, Dale.
I usually lose the list, or leave it in the car, and buy everything but what I originally went to the store to get.
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I try…
I usually leave the list on my counter, so there is that…
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Dear Zeus Le Dreck,
One myth that comes to mind is Myth Gerard, my firth grade teacher. She was more of a hit and myth.
Of course we all know a mime is a terrible thing to waste. I don’t mime if you don’t mime. Mime place or yours. I’ll tuck all of these in my invistible box.
I’ll check with the Royals to see if they’ll let you come watch the paint try on their new stadium (at least they’re pushing for a new one).
Shalom,
Xena Catrina W(T)F
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Dear Xena Catrina W(T)F,
I see you’ve been taking voice lessons from Elmer Fudd. Can’t wait to hear you sing “The Star Spangled Banner” on Opening Day at Kauffman Stadium.
Rather than build a new stadium, they could just paint the old one purple (the color of royalty) and we’d both be happy.
Hope you’re enjoying watching watercolors dry,
Zeus Le Dreck
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I hope he at least had beers to watch that paint dry with!
It’s not a myth, but I’ll tell you a little local truth here in Southern Ontario. Whenever my husband goes away, we get a massive snowstorm. It’s so consistent, my neighbours plan in shoveling time when he’s out of town. Guess who’s in Florida this week and guess what’s coming out of the sky as I type!
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Ha! I don’t think drinking beer while watching paint dry is good idea unless he’s wearing Depends.
I have some friends who go to Jamaica every February. We always get snow or ice when they’re gone. Perhaps they’re in cahoots with your husband.
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That’s not a believable story.
Drying in only 4 1/2 hours? Preposterous!
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The part that’s not believable is that an old fart like you could go 4 1/2 hours without peeing all over themselves.
Your excited, heavy breathing would dry the paint.
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What’s next? He petitions the Olympics for a paint-watching sport?
My urban myth: As soon as one finishes shoveling snow, the snow plow drives by and puts it all back.
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What a splendid idea. I can see teams from around the globe competeing in the sport of watching paint dry. What a rigorous training protocol. Not sure I could make the team.
I think those snow plow drivers just park around the corner and snicker while you shovel. Sick bastards!
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😀 That must be the case!
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I’d probably have done the same at a baseball match, although I expect I’d need a pee after three hours!
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I love baseball, but my bladder isn’t made for the sport of watching paint dry.
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There ain’t nothin like watching paint dry!
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Well, watching snow melt or grass grow is pretty close, but lacking the wonderful aroma that adds another level to paint watching.
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Ranks right up there with watching golf on television 🙂
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I’d have to agree with you there, Linda. I’m not a big fan of soccer either. Those poor folks run themselves to death and only score once every decade.
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🙂
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Well, if you follow baseball, you probably know that there are many new rules starting this season to speed the game along.
Hope that helps,
Dawn
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I do folow baseball, and not crazy about their new rules. For a couple of years, they’re been putting a runner on 2nd base to start extra innings. I think it cheapens the sport–but that’s just me.
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I think that is just stupid! And I agree, it is not just you. I don’t know what baseball lover would like that rule.
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Lucky for that post there was someone to watch the paint dry. Cute.
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You’re the only one whose looked at the situation from the post’s POV.
I’m sure it appreciated his admiring attention.
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Lol!
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Not sure why he felt the need to watch the pain dry unless his though was it was bound to be better than the game.
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He has OCD and can’t walk past wet paint without stopping to watch it dry.
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When I first heard about the man in forest, it ended with, “is he still wrong?” His wife retorted, “In your case, yes.”
At least we agree about Keith Richards, but I have my doubts about Willie Nelson.
And everyone touches the paint, right? But does it cause hairy palms? No, wait. That’s something else. 🙂
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Damn! You made me look at my palms. I hope no one noticed.
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Sorry, Russell. 🙂
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Hilarious list of urban legends, Russell! The world today is full of urban legends; fiction as reality. 🙂 Hmm, I guess there’s worse neurosis out there. But, I’m with the dad. Waiting for the paint to dry is more interesting than watching baseball (haha). Clever tale!
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I find it fascinating how many people accept these urban legends as true without questioning them. Now that everyone’s carrying a camera on their phone, I’m a little disappointed that we don’t see more pictures of Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monsters.
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i do admire him for his patience. nuff said. 🙂
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Yes, he’s committed–and probably should be committed to an asylum.
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Amazing 😍😍
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Loved it.
Not sure how weird he would look watching paint dry.
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I assure you, other people’s opinions don’t mean a thing to him.
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If a man says something in the forest and a woman doesn’t hear it, he just went there to speak alone and convince himself he was right.
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That’s exactly why I spend so much time fishing and hunting. I’m never wrong out there.
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