Fantasy Baseball

This week, I’ve been thinking about urban legends. You know, that modern genre of folklore where false claims or fictitious tales are circulated as true.  One of my dad’s favorites regarded the pulling of a baby tooth. “If you don’t stick your tongue in the hole, a gold tooth will grow in to replace it.”

Here’s a few I’ve been working on:

  • Keith Richards is a mortal.
  • If a man says something in the forest and no woman hears him, he must be right.
  • Mimes are known to steal Do-Not-Remove tags from other people’s furniture & mattresses.

I’m sure you must have a few of your own. Please include one or more in the comments section.

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, our hostess is the 7’ 4” tall Dinka warrior,  Xena Catrina Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

copyright – Rochelle Wisoff Fields

I had taken my son, Brandon, to a baseball game. On the way to our seats, I noticed a WET PAINT sign on a mezzanine support post. Naturally, I had to touch it. The paint was damp. 

I froze in my tracks. 

Brandon tugged at my arm, “Come on, Dad. We’re missing the game.”

But I couldn’t leave that paint to dry alone. 

“Go ahead, Bran. I’ll be right here if you need me.” 

I stared intently at the post. Four and a half hours later, I could touch it without leaving a fingerprint. 

Boy was I needing to pee.

46 Comments on “Fantasy Baseball

  1. I hope you’re not implying baseball is less interesting than watching paint dry… although a do know a few who might agree with that!


    • He would’ve stayed home if there’d been wet paint to watch. In the winter, he enjoys watching snow melt, and in the summer, watching grass grow. Oh, the excitement!


  2. Lemme see, to add to your myths:
    If man is sent to the grocery store with a list, can he really and truly stick to the list?

    As for watching paint dry, let’s call it meditation…

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Dear Zeus Le Dreck,

    One myth that comes to mind is Myth Gerard, my firth grade teacher. She was more of a hit and myth.
    Of course we all know a mime is a terrible thing to waste. I don’t mime if you don’t mime. Mime place or yours. I’ll tuck all of these in my invistible box.
    I’ll check with the Royals to see if they’ll let you come watch the paint try on their new stadium (at least they’re pushing for a new one).


    Xena Catrina W(T)F

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dear Xena Catrina W(T)F,

      I see you’ve been taking voice lessons from Elmer Fudd. Can’t wait to hear you sing “The Star Spangled Banner” on Opening Day at Kauffman Stadium.

      Rather than build a new stadium, they could just paint the old one purple (the color of royalty) and we’d both be happy.

      Hope you’re enjoying watching watercolors dry,
      Zeus Le Dreck


  4. I hope he at least had beers to watch that paint dry with!

    It’s not a myth, but I’ll tell you a little local truth here in Southern Ontario. Whenever my husband goes away, we get a massive snowstorm. It’s so consistent, my neighbours plan in shoveling time when he’s out of town. Guess who’s in Florida this week and guess what’s coming out of the sky as I type!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Ha! I don’t think drinking beer while watching paint dry is good idea unless he’s wearing Depends.

      I have some friends who go to Jamaica every February. We always get snow or ice when they’re gone. Perhaps they’re in cahoots with your husband.


    • The part that’s not believable is that an old fart like you could go 4 1/2 hours without peeing all over themselves.

      Your excited, heavy breathing would dry the paint.


    • What a splendid idea. I can see teams from around the globe competeing in the sport of watching paint dry. What a rigorous training protocol. Not sure I could make the team.

      I think those snow plow drivers just park around the corner and snicker while you shovel. Sick bastards!

      Liked by 1 person

    • I do folow baseball, and not crazy about their new rules. For a couple of years, they’re been putting a runner on 2nd base to start extra innings. I think it cheapens the sport–but that’s just me.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. When I first heard about the man in forest, it ended with, “is he still wrong?” His wife retorted, “In your case, yes.”
    At least we agree about Keith Richards, but I have my doubts about Willie Nelson.
    And everyone touches the paint, right? But does it cause hairy palms? No, wait. That’s something else. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hilarious list of urban legends, Russell! The world today is full of urban legends; fiction as reality. 🙂 Hmm, I guess there’s worse neurosis out there. But, I’m with the dad. Waiting for the paint to dry is more interesting than watching baseball (haha). Clever tale!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I find it fascinating how many people accept these urban legends as true without questioning them. Now that everyone’s carrying a camera on their phone, I’m a little disappointed that we don’t see more pictures of Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monsters.

      Liked by 1 person

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