What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
Ozark Snotmouth
I ‘m known to have a strong stomach, but this week’s photo made me GAG! Now, I’m afraid to go to sleep for fear this disgusting image has burned itself into my brain cell (singular). When I was child nightmares of snakes often plagued my sleep. Just when I thought I’d put that chapter behind me—BAM! Now, I have to write about it. Oh well, the doctor says it’s good therapy.
To read more stories, go to http://madison-woods.com/ click on the Blog tab, and follow the links.
Ozark Snotmouth
I hate snakes. All five kinds—large, small, dead, alive, and rubber.
As a rural farm boy, I was unfortunate enough to experience dozens of unexpected encounters with these cold-blooded vermin. From March to November they sensed my every move, engaging in a horrible conspiracy to torment and terrorize me—often generating unsightly stains in my underpants.
The most horrific of all these despicable, slimy creatures is the Ozark Snotnose. This snake does not have fangs, but smothers its victim in a disgusting drool the consistency of rubber cement.
There is no anti-venom. Your only defense is tall boots and Kleenex.
Bucket of Ideas
People often ask me, “Where did you get a crazy idea like that?” I usually reply with some cock & bull explanation that I merely observe the world around me and the stories write themselves. Today, (against my own better judgment) I have decided to share my source of inspiration. Be forewarned that this act can only be performed by skilled professionals after years of training. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!
To read more stories, go to http://madison-woods.com/ click on the Blog tab, and follow the links.
Bucket of Ideas
“Billy, see that bucket hanging on the fence?”
“Sure, Grandpa. What’s in it?”
“That’s where Grandpa gets the ideas for his stories.”
“Really? How does it work?”
Grandpa leaned over, stuck his ear under the spigot, turned the tap, and made a bubbling noise to indicate the invisible flow filling his brain. Once full, he straightened up, shook his head like a dog and said, “Umm, that’s a good one.”
“Wow, that’s cool. Is that where Grandma gets her ideas for all the projects she has for you?”
“Oh no, son. She has those delivered in a large tanker trunk.”
I Heard it Through the Grapevine
When I download the photo for Friday Flash Fiction, I usually go with the first thing that pops in my head. The reason being, my brain is so small it can only contain one thought at a time, and even then, if it’s a very big thought my neurocranium starts to swell. This week’s photo triggered multiple thoughts sending me into a neurocalyptic (You like that word? I made it up. J) spasm attack. I spat all three ideas out on 3 x 5 section of used Kleenex and applied the scientific method, Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Moe, to select a topic. My apologies to Edgar Rice Burroughs and Marvin Gaye.
To read more stories based on this photo, go to http://madison-woods.com/ click on the Blog tab, and follow the links.
I Heard it Through the Grapevine
“Jane, you look so sad. What’s the matter?”
“Oh Cheeta, since George came to the jungle, I find myself questioning my love for Tarzan.”
“I can understand your infatuation with a younger man. After all, it’s been a long time since you’ve seen another male of your species.”
“It sure has. And George is so sweet and childlike. He counts the petals on every flower.”
“That’s because he has the brain of a six year old, Jane. He can’t swing from a grapevine without slamming into a tree.”
“Yes, Tarzan is a better swinger, but George uses a bigger vine.”
A Tale of Two Sissies
I can really relate to this week’s photo. I’ve been called an ‘old buzzard,’ and told that I have ‘buzzard breath’ upon occasion. Experts say we don’t have buzzards in NW Arkansas, technically they are vultures. I’m not going to worry too much about it unless one’s picking my bones. My Dad used to say if you ate a lot of hot peppers they would eat you. It’s a good thing I had a dozen jalapenos before starting this story. To read more stories, go to http://madison-woods.com/ click on the Blog tab, and follow the links.
A Tale of Two Sissies
“Come on boys, eat your food.”
“Ah, Mom . . . .” Brian and Billy whined in unison. “Do we have to?”
“Your father works hard to feed us. You want to grow up big and strong like him, don’t you?”
“But it smells awful,” said Brian.
“And it taste raw—like it needs to ripen some more,” added Billy.
“There’s nothing wrong with this food,” said Mom. “You can’t go play until you finish your meal.”
“Why do we have the same thing every Friday?” Billy choked back the tears.
“Because Friday’s the day when most Fictioneers get run over by the prompt.”
My Adobe Hacienda
I used the title from an old Bob Wills’ song for this week’s Friday Flash Fiction. While I was at it, I raped the lyrics from another song a by popular western swing artist, through in a couple of rednecks, stirred briskly, and threw out in the hot sun to bake.
This week’s photo by Amanda Gray. To read more stories, go to http://madison-woods.com/ click on the Blog tab, and follow the links.
My Adobe Hacienda
“How much further, Bubba? I ain’t seeing no ocean yet.”
“The guy said it’s remote. He called it a romantic getaway.”
Two hours later.
“Thar it is, Charlene. Our mansion in paradise.”
“Don’t look like no mansion to me. It ain’t even got no roof.”
“That’s so you can see the stars at night, Sweetie. Look. Thar’s the Golden Gate.”
A section of wrought iron fence, painted John Deere yellow, dangled from a concrete pier.
“Let me see that deed again, Charlene. Why, I ought to shoot that singing cowboy.”
What’s a matter, honey?”
“This ain’t Arizona. It’s New Mexico!”
The Great Raspberry Rebellion of 1851
When, I saw this week’s photo prompt from Madison Woods http://madisonwoods.wordpress.com/ I cried, “Aww, raspberries,” in the same dismal tone of frustration as Alfalfa of Little Rascals fame.
But after twenty seconds of exhaustive research, I uncovered this tasty morsel of little-known history regarding the lowly raspberry.
But after twenty seconds of exhaustive research, I uncovered this tasty morsel of little-known history regarding the lowly raspberry.
The Great Raspberry Rebellion of 1851
In 1851, textile mill owner, Robert Knight, traveled to Rhode Island to seek the perfect symbol for this trade name, Fruit of the Loom.
A cornucopia of fruit auditioned for the underwear manufacturer. An apple and currants were hired immediately. A banana and peach were caught in an illicit affair and disqualified for immoral behavior, leaving only grapes and raspberries to battle for the remaining positions.
The raspberries rose up in defiance, only to be crushed by the purple and green grapes. Historians refer to this incident as The Raspberry Rebellion, or by its more common name, The Wrath of Grapes.
The Perils of Penelope
What’s up with all the insects? Is it because it’s summer? Those are just two of the questions that occurred to me upon seeing this week’s photo prompt from Madison Woods http://madisonwoods.wordpress.com/ I realize bugs have their place in the grand scheme of things, but is inspiring creativity really part of the job description? I think not. Had it not been for its name, you would be staring at a blank screen.
The Perils of Penelope
“Help, help! Please saaa-ve me!”
“Give it a rest, Penelope. I’ve rescued you from a speeding train, a buzz saw, a five-hundred foot waterfall, and an IRS auditor—and it’s not even noon yet.”
Four years at Hero Academy had not equipped Raul for the constant whining, screaming, and over-acting forced upon him by this little drama queen. To her, life was one perilous misadventure after another—with Raul, her trusty safety net.
“You’re resting on top of a fat man’s bald head. What could possibly go wrong?”
“Oh, wise guy, eh?” said Moe.
He swatted Curly on the noggin.
Myth Confirmation
When I saw this week’s photo prompt from Madison Woods http://madisonwoods.wordpress.com/ my mind started racing like a heavily sedated sloth on an exercise wheel. Could that be the road less traveled? Nope, the grass is worn down. Is it the path of least resistance? I don’t think so. It looks like an uphill climb. This fat boy would be out of breath before he got to the first bend. Unable to generate even the tiniest spec of genuine creativity, I did what any self-respecting humor writer would do in times of duress.—I stole an idea from a cartoonist. Let’s just say I’m “borrowing” it. He can have it back after you’re done reading.
Myth Confirmation
Marty had been planning this hiking trip for months. He and Judy both loved the outdoors, and their children, Will and Teresa, had finally reached the age where they could run wild in the forest with only limited supervision.
They’d spent a small fortune on gear and supplies only to be confronted by a large bear at the edge of the woods.
The bear rose to his full height, thrust forth a gigantic paw clutching a half-roll of Charmin. He leaned forward and whispered, “Trust me on this . . . you don’t want to go in there right now.”
Where the Rubber Meets the Road
I can really relate to this week’s photo prompt from Madison Woods http://madisonwoods.wordpress.com/ As I’ve gotten older, I’ve also become wider. (That’s right WIDER, not wiser) Some have even accused me of being full of hot air. The joke around my house is that my wife, Connie, could write “Goodyear” on my sides and rent me out to fly over sporting events and private parties. So far, I’ve not been able to overcome gravity, but I’ve got high hopes!
Where the Rubber Meets the Road
When I was a young rubber tree, springing up on a plantation in Indonesia, I often fantasied of becoming a blimp. Not just any blimp, a genuine, bona fide Goodyear blimp.
I could imagine my milky latex sap being refined into a glorious covering for the world’s finest airship.
I would be the star attraction at the coronation of kings, the Indianapolis 500, the Super Bowl, and of course, the annual Walmart Shareholder’s meeting.
But the hands of fate are often cruel. So here I lie, used, abused, and thrown on the trash heap of life—just a soiled prophylactic.
Medical Marvels
I know my blogging buddy, Douglas MacIlroy http://ironwoodwind.wordpress.com/ , was thinking of me when he sent this week’s photo to Madison Woods http://madisonwoods.wordpress.com/ for Friday Flash Fiction. You could hear the snicker echoing across the waves all the way from his mountain-top perch in Hawaii. This one’s for you, Doug. I hope you’re still snickering when you read the last line.
The encroachment of civilization brought death and disease, decimating the tribe’s number. Their only remaining virgin was the Chief’s nine year-old daughter.
Still, the belly of the mountain grumbled, belching smoke and fire, demanding a sacrifice.
Three castaways were captured near the lagoon—a white man and two women. The Chief forced the man, a college teacher, to choose which woman would die.
“You bastard!” screamed the redhead, hurtling into the fiery pit.
The next morning snow, frigid and unforgiving as a jilted lover, covered the mountain.
The Medicine Man noted in his journal; Ginger cures mountain God’s molten reflux.
Medical Marvels
Purchase ‘One Idiot Short of a Village’
Purchase ‘The Perils of Heavy Thinking’
What's So Funny? 