Walmartian Tour, 2012

When I was in high school, my buddy’s father ran the bus station in Fayetteville. I would intentionally refer to it as Jefferson Lanes just to piss him off.  “Lines, damn it!  It’s Lines, not Lanes,” he would scream. Sometimes his dad would pay us $5 each to clean the inside of an empty bus.  You could buy a half-case of beer and a cheeseburger with that kind of money back then.

Thanks to  Ron Pruitt for week’s photo and the personal flashback to the ‘good ol’ days.’ To read more stories, go to  click on the Blog tab, and follow the links.

Walmartian Tour, 2012


Their bags are packed and tucked safely in the storage compartment. His and hers spandex tights, pink stilettos, size forty-two thong underwear, weed-whacker shredded T-shirts, leopard print Cougar-wear, and two large bins of hair color, styling gel, and assorted make-up.

“A quarter of a million people applied for this year’s team,” said Bob Grossman, talent coordinator. “The competition was extremely stiff. It’s not enough just to dress tacky or obscene. Bad taste and poor judgment comes naturally to some people, but sinking to this level requires hard work and dedication.”

“We appreciate the Friday Fictioneers promoting the tour,” said Grossman.

**I’ll be hiding in a cabin in Booger County for a few days starting at noon on Friday, with no access to a computer, but will respond to comments when I return next week.

30 Comments on “Walmartian Tour, 2012

  1. Well, if you’re not going to reply till next week then that’s when I’ll comment. OK, maybe I’ll forget by next week so I’ll just say that the people of Walmart take an awful lot of abuse. And still they shop there. Just one question. Do they really make size 42 thong underwear? That’s just gross.


    • I never shopped for size 42 thong, but I’m going there this afternoon and will check. Is there a particular color you are interested in?


      • ooh, you guys are gross… or is it grossman? er, grossmen. Randy

        great fun piece! Will you be posting the walmartian tour pictures when you all get back?


      • Come to think of it, Randy would have made a better first name than Bob. Do you think I should change it?


      • No, Bob is good. I like the fact that you can say Bob and spell Bob the same forwards or backwards. Can’t do that with Randy.

        Now as far as Wal-Mart, I like to shop there but politically I would not want to be associated with them, so please no Randy Grossman of Wal-Mart.

        Now, will you be posting pictures of your trip or not?
        I think many of your readers are looking forward to see who’s filling out that 42 inch thing, er thong.

        I will be looking the other way when you do, sitting with Rochelle, poking my eyes out.

        Just another bozo on the bus, Randy


  2. TMI, Paul and Russell. Please do NOT report. I don’t think I can stand it. 🙂 And Booger County–really? I hope that was just a continuation of the humor in your story. Paul, people shop at Walmart because that’s where a lot of people can afford to shop, especially in this economy. I always hear the complaint that nothing there is made in the US. This is also true of high-end stores of all kinds; you just pay a lot more for Made in China. I read a fascinating book called “A Year Without ‘Made in China'”. Easy to read and worth the time.

    “His and hers spandex tights”–also pretty creepy.


    • Madison County is affectionately refered to Booger County by most residents of Northwest Arkansas. This story is not a knock on Walmart, or the people who shop there (myself included). This is my attempt to create a back-story for all those “People of Walmart” emails and YouTube video on the subject.

      How many of you noticed the heading on the bus?


      • count me. i saw that and wondered if i had missed it in the previous posts i had read. i think walmart gets a bad rap. i dunno. i like the prices, and the quality is good, often same brands you find elsewhere for more. however, i prefer mom and pop stores – when possible. helps smalltown america keep going.


  3. I think the size 42 thong takes the cake for most amusingly creepy item listed. Great post! I was just starting to read your last post when I came across your large, extra creepy spider, so I came back to the Walmart safety of this one.


  4. Just the name Bob Grossman made this story for me, though my Walmart references are limited from where I live. Thanks for sharing


  5. Hi Russell,
    You can run, but you can’t hide. The Walmartians will find you and get you for this. Alice Walton herself will probably strangle you with a diamond-lined granny panty. But very funny take on the photo. Enjoyed your reminiscence on the old bus station on South School. I caught the bus there and rode it to Key West. Ron


  6. Hope you’re enjoying your retreat, Russell. We’ll all be waiting for you when you return. So far a few have asked that you be moved to the back of the bus. I’ll just keep you joy buzzer in the glove compartment. There always seems to be at least one in every crowd…glad you’re in ours.
    Funny story, but I’ve had all the tours of Walmart I ever need. As for the size 42 thong, I want to shove an ice pick into my mind to expunge the image of what the person wearing it might look like.


    • Please dont fall on your sword, Rochelle. Think happy thoughts and hum the Jeopardy theme to take your mind off the visual image. We need you to keep the rest of us (especially me) in line.


  7. That thong is just going to stick in my mind far tooooo long! (not intended to rhyme!)

    I’ve probably missed some of the other references due to being a Brit. 😉 We do have Asda , though – same thing but on a smaller scale, right?


  8. You’ve done it again, Russell. The images you put into our heads are truly terrifying – how do you sleep at night?! And for my 2cents, yes, Randy Grossman would be (even) better.


  9. “hiding” in a cabin? maybe you should talk to my friend in the witness protection program. won’t be easy to hide with all that hair gel and tights and such. nice job.


  10. I see you planned and packed well for your stay at Booger cabin. But Size 42 thongs… underwear??? Men your age wear thongs? Did you pack your Whoopie Cushion as well? Btw, nice tribute to FF.


  11. If the Friday Fictioneers were sponsoring the contest, why weren’t the regulars notified? We must have some qualifiers among our ranks (I, for one, have stocked up on the hair gel and spandex tights–they’ll have to do in place of the thong–there’s a limit as to how far a person will go to win all those nifty prizes listed above).


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