Weather Forecaster Found Dead

 

SPRINGDALE, AR – The body of Gordon Dale Groundhog was found by a motorist yesterday afternoon on the side of Shady Grove Road. Authorities suspect he was the victim of a hit-and-run accident. The police report states there were no signs of skid marks on the pavement. Persons with information regarding this accident are urged to contact the Washington County Humane Society.

“I don’t mean to sound cruel or heartless,” said one local television meteorologist, ” but this couldn’t have happened at a worse time. Everyone was looking forward to seeing him drug from his burrow Monday morning and shook around like a rag doll in front of our cameras. Now, our long-range forecast is shot to hell.”

Four crows, two buzzards, and a possum have been assigned to remove the body. “We’re going to let him lie in state a few days,” said one of the crows (under the condition of anonymity). “We want to give family and friends plenty of time to pay their final respects–and allow the body to ripen–before we begin the disposal process.”

Drive-by services are scheduled for 2 pm this afternoon. Condolences may be sent to your local TV station–attn: Chief Meteorologist.

Gordon D. Groundhog Rest in Peace
Gordon D. Groundhog
Rest in Peace
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19 Comments on “Weather Forecaster Found Dead

    • Thanks, Patricia. This was a tough blow for all of us. Now, we’ll never know if we’re going to have an early spring or not.

      Like

  1. This confirms what I’ve suspected for quite some time now: Russell Gayer is not only a terrific humorist, he’s also certifiably insane!

    Like

  2. Every time I see/hear about road kill, I’m reminded of an old Mother Goose & Grimm comic, the sense of humour if which is right up your alley. Four vultures are sitting around a dead groundhog and one says “This road kill isn’t nearly enough to go around! Good thing I brought a box of Hamster Helper!”

    Like

  3. Quite an inspired tale, Russell. I particularly like the body removal crew. I can see them all wearing bibs and holding knives and forks. Possibly even asking one another, “Pass the salt.”

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    • I think I remember a Far Side cartoon similar to the scene you’ve described. Yes, I’m sure a little salt would improve the flavor.

      Like

  4. Given the wintery weather we are having, this is a very appropriate story. Nobody could had written such a news worthy story that this, ha. Good job.

    Like

  5. Poor little Groundhog, what about his wife and little hoggy children? 😦 With the weather you guys have been having, I’m surprised he was even able to get his nose above the frozen ground. Russell, I second what Jerry said 😀

    Like

  6. Where is the coverage of this gristly account? Shouldn’t there be an inquest. What did the autopsy show? I smell a cover-up! #hoginjustice

    Like

    • Investigators are still trying to determine if it was a professional hit (possibly the mob), or if purely accidental. Personally, I’m concerned that the government may have snuffed him. Gordon was known to be an expert at building underground tunnels and was on a watch-list as someone who might be helping illegals sneak in under Trump’s new wall.

      Liked by 1 person

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