Mac’s Crash Diet

We have a new saying in our neighborhood.  A day without rain is like . . . well, dry.  We haven’t had a lot of those lately, but we haven’t grown webbed feet yet either.

Last week, Suzanne wrote about the monsoon season in India. According to my 7th grade Geography book that is supposed to be half-way around the world, not two miles down the road.

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the Coxswain of our rowboat of writers is I.B. Reddy Wisoff-Fields.  If you’d like to participate in this exercise of madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF  Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

copyright - Douglas MacIlroy
copyright – Douglas MacIlroy

Mac was famous for his voracious appetite.

Back in the old days, he’d devour entire villages and not put on a single pound. But once he reached middle-age, every chunky shopkeeper and donut-engorged policeman went straight to his waistline.

He auditioned for Jurassic World, hoping to land a meaty role he could really sink his teeth into.

“Sorry, Mac,” said the casting director. “You’re too wide for the screen.” Hollywood was looking for new, sleeker, futuristic-style monsters.

Frustrated, he started a new diet, limiting himself to one or two supermodels a week. Now, he can hide in Melissa McCarthy’s shadow.

 

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49 Comments on “Mac’s Crash Diet

    • No, Doc. Dieting is never fun, and I imagine those supermodels are quite bland compared to those of us who are a little more plump & tender.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Aren’t supermodels negative calories, so eating just them should really help him lose weight? Great story, Russell. I always love your wit. Good for Mac, although I think he still could have fit into an IMAX feature.

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  2. What some will do for their 15 minutes of fame. Can’t blame him though. Mac can probably retire quite comfortably–and eat anything he likes. Maybe New Jersey?

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    • I suppose. Did you know know that Jared Fogle, the Subway spokesman, has a net worth of $15 million? Diets can make you wealthy.

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  3. Dear Mac,

    Perhaps I shouldn’t say it, but I think we can all hide in M. M.’s shadow…at one time. As always, your story hit the spot. I’d like a hot apple pie with that, please.

    Shalom,

    I.B. Reddy

    Like

  4. I added the obligatory ba-dum tshh noise at the end there for you. I don’t think that Mac needed to slim down. Sounds like he was ideal for widescreen productions. Funny as ever Russell, funny as ever!

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  5. If that’s a picture of Mac as he looks now, I’d say he went a wee bit overboard on that diet. Hilarious, Russell. Yes, India is half way round the world from you. 😀 — Suzanne

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    • Those supermodels will do it to you every time. I’m glad I passed my geography test. Most of today’s high school seniors couldn’t even find the Mississippi River on a map if you stuck their feet in it.

      Like

  6. I’m sick of Hollywood establishing these unrealistic body expectations for monsters…

    Funny stuff 🙂
    Too wide for the screen – great line.
    KT

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  7. Looking good, Mac. Svelte and sleek. Don’t worry, they’ll make another Jurassic sequel (or six)…Hollywood has a very limited fund of ideas.

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  8. Well, I just hope poor Mac doesn’t turn into an anorexic. He’s looking a little thin here. He’s scarier than any dinosaur. He has a distinctive look. Maybe they can create a special role just for him! As always, you’re such a hoot, Russell.

    Like

  9. Good story!

    Those small towns can really be carb-laden–especially the cops. In addition to the supermodels, he could snack on some politicians; they are composed primarily of hot air (except for their fat heads).

    Like

  10. Sorry, you’re too wide for the screen….that was a scream. Fun as always! And it’s. Nice and dry here in Seattle…go figure.

    Like

    • It’s nice to see you, Erin. We’d be happy to share some rain with you. We’re at about 14 inches for the month of May.

      Like

  11. Laughing too much to add something witty. Poor Mac. All he needs now is a bit of plastic surgery and a few botox shots, and he can proudly call himself a monster.

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  12. Isn’t that ironic what we all have in common? I limit myself to one or two supermodels a week as well! I’ve heard you do the same. Any more than that would be too much fantasizing even for me. Very funny writing, Russell!

    Like

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