Still Gettin’ Over It

A few weeks back my wife, Connie, went on a cleaning binge. According to the TV, Queen Elizabeth was fixin’ to turn 96 and the way Connie was working it appeared we would be hosting the celebration. My role in the preparations would be to scrub the toilet.

While polishing the porcelain throne, I wondered if the Queen did her own paperwork, or if one of the aides-de-camp attended to wiping the royal arse. At her advanced age, the terrain nust be the texture of a prune. Bending over the bowl, I inhaled deeply, begging the bleach-infused cleaner to flush the aforementioned image from my brain.

After recovering my senses, I installed a purple velvet cover over the ring and gently lowered the lid. Alas, the Queen never showed—she didn’t even call. How rude!

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, our hostess, currently serving home detention in Belton, MO is Pity Party Shelley (P.P. for short—pun intended) Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

copyright – Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

My neighbor, Carol, told me Jimmy was spending a lot of time at Sharon Peters trailer. When asked about it, he said he was just helping with a few chores. I had a good idea what chores he was helping with. 

Yesterday, I came home early. 

Jimmy wasn’t there. 

Grabbing my rolling pin, I marched down to Sharon’s trailer. When I walked in, she was wearing a purple lace teddy and Jimmy’s boxers were around his ankles. I caught her by the hair and knocked out a couple of teeth with the rolling pin. 

Jimmy ain’t feelin’ too hot neither.

29 Comments on “Still Gettin’ Over It

  1. The nerve of the Queen to not show after all your efforts!
    I’m always amazed that women get pissed at the women who “take” their husbands when it’s the guy who should have a coupla teeth knocked out 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dear Rachel Croftin,

    I hope you made Sharon remove the Teddy. It would be a shame to get blood all over something purple. And how rude of Her Royal Highness to not show up after so much preparation. I could use a plush purple toidy cover. Nothing’s too good for the aging tushie.

    Shalom and L’chaim,

    P.P. Wisoff-Fields.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Dear P.P. W(T)F,

    In crimes of passion, sometimes things get soiled. Hopefully, a little Oxyclean will get the stain out.

    Yes, I’m a little miffed over the Queen’s snubbing. I don’t clean the toilet for just anyone. Now that it’s so clean, I’m keeping it roped off so the riff-raff don’t trash it out again.

    I hope you got a new coloring book and crayons while you were sick. They can sure help pass the time.

    All the best,
    Rachel Crofton

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ack. I can see I was out of it when I commented. Sorry I spelled your name rong, Ms. Crofton. And I even spelled my own name rong. Back to coloring.

      Shalom again,

      Pity Party Shelley W(T)F

      Like

  4. I vividly remember a history teacher enlightening us on the meaning of the title “Groom of the Stool”, a very powerful position in the royal court. It seems to have fallen out of use a hundred years ago or so, so perhaps Her Maj is too busy with that sort of paperwork to remember to write to you about her change of plans.
    Better keep it sealed off though in case she changes her mind; my understanding is she’s quite particular about that side of things!
    I’m totally distracted from your story, but I feel like Jimmy had it coming to him. And more.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ha! Loved that Her Maj is too busy doing her own paperwork to notify us. I’ll give her a pass this time, but it better not happen again.

      Yes, Jimmy may be more selective about which “chores” he helps out with in the future.

      Like

  5. I assumed the Queen disappeared from her celebrations for a couple of days not from old age and poor health, but to visit your toilet.
    Regardless, Jimmy deserved his thrashing, and hopefully he’s learned a lesson.

    Liked by 1 person

    • The purple velvet ring cover felt so smooth on her tush she hated to leave the porcelian throne.
      Poor Jimmy. All he was doing was helping a lonely neighbor. Although, I can’t say his heart was in the right place.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I thank you for the images you put in my brain, your mind really works in funny ways. Now where’s that bleach? And purple teddies should be made of plush and not filled with Sharons.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Everything starts to sag when people get older–it happens to all of us if we live long enough.
      As for Sharon and her missing teeth, perhaps she can hook up with a hockey player and they’ll have matching smiles.

      Liked by 1 person

      • LOL I’m laughing so much. You are hilarious.
        Odd you should say that, recently, I noticed a few wrinkles on my fingers. Shouldn’t typing on blogs fix that? It’s exercise. 😀

        Like

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