What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
Still Gettin’ Over It
A few weeks back my wife, Connie, went on a cleaning binge. According to the TV, Queen Elizabeth was fixin’ to turn 96 and the way Connie was working it appeared we would be hosting the celebration. My role in the preparations would be to scrub the toilet.
While polishing the porcelain throne, I wondered if the Queen did her own paperwork, or if one of the aides-de-camp attended to wiping the royal arse. At her advanced age, the terrain nust be the texture of a prune. Bending over the bowl, I inhaled deeply, begging the bleach-infused cleaner to flush the aforementioned image from my brain.
After recovering my senses, I installed a purple velvet cover over the ring and gently lowered the lid. Alas, the Queen never showed—she didn’t even call. How rude!
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, our hostess, currently serving home detention in Belton, MO is Pity Party Shelley (P.P. for short—pun intended) Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
My neighbor, Carol, told me Jimmy was spending a lot of time at Sharon Peters trailer. When asked about it, he said he was just helping with a few chores. I had a good idea what chores he was helping with.
Yesterday, I came home early.
Jimmy wasn’t there.
Grabbing my rolling pin, I marched down to Sharon’s trailer. When I walked in, she was wearing a purple lace teddy and Jimmy’s boxers were around his ankles. I caught her by the hair and knocked out a couple of teeth with the rolling pin.
Jimmy ain’t feelin’ too hot neither.
29 Comments on “Still Gettin’ Over It”
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What's So Funny? 
The nerve of the Queen to not show after all your efforts!
I’m always amazed that women get pissed at the women who “take” their husbands when it’s the guy who should have a coupla teeth knocked out 😉
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It’s quite possible that Jimmy received a severe thrashing too.
But then she felt bad about it and got him some flowers and a balloon.
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Haha!
That would be most generous of her…
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Dear Rachel Croftin,
I hope you made Sharon remove the Teddy. It would be a shame to get blood all over something purple. And how rude of Her Royal Highness to not show up after so much preparation. I could use a plush purple toidy cover. Nothing’s too good for the aging tushie.
Shalom and L’chaim,
P.P. Wisoff-Fields.
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Dear P.P. W(T)F,
In crimes of passion, sometimes things get soiled. Hopefully, a little Oxyclean will get the stain out.
Yes, I’m a little miffed over the Queen’s snubbing. I don’t clean the toilet for just anyone. Now that it’s so clean, I’m keeping it roped off so the riff-raff don’t trash it out again.
I hope you got a new coloring book and crayons while you were sick. They can sure help pass the time.
All the best,
Rachel Crofton
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Ack. I can see I was out of it when I commented. Sorry I spelled your name rong, Ms. Crofton. And I even spelled my own name rong. Back to coloring.
Shalom again,
Pity Party Shelley W(T)F
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I vividly remember a history teacher enlightening us on the meaning of the title “Groom of the Stool”, a very powerful position in the royal court. It seems to have fallen out of use a hundred years ago or so, so perhaps Her Maj is too busy with that sort of paperwork to remember to write to you about her change of plans.
Better keep it sealed off though in case she changes her mind; my understanding is she’s quite particular about that side of things!
I’m totally distracted from your story, but I feel like Jimmy had it coming to him. And more.
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Ha! Loved that Her Maj is too busy doing her own paperwork to notify us. I’ll give her a pass this time, but it better not happen again.
Yes, Jimmy may be more selective about which “chores” he helps out with in the future.
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I assumed the Queen disappeared from her celebrations for a couple of days not from old age and poor health, but to visit your toilet.
Regardless, Jimmy deserved his thrashing, and hopefully he’s learned a lesson.
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The purple velvet ring cover felt so smooth on her tush she hated to leave the porcelian throne.
Poor Jimmy. All he was doing was helping a lonely neighbor. Although, I can’t say his heart was in the right place.
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Two of your funniest stories! Jimmy should have been thrown out altogther! 😀
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He’ll be forgiven. I’m sure he and Sharon were just doing laundry.
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I’m never sure which is funnier–your intro or the story itself!
Seems to me that Jimmy needed a bit of the rolling pin 🙂
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Thank you, Linda.
Yes, I think Jimmy received a knot or two on the head for his indiscretions.
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At least you had a throne fit for a queen, but the rest of the imagery I could have lived without. 🙂
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Sorry about burning that image in your mind. 🙂
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Good bathroom/washroom/loo humor. 🙂
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I always understood the Queen didn’t need to go to the toilet, clearly, I was wrong! She needs to take a rolling pin to some of her family right now
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Yes, there are a few in the royal family that could definitely use a damn good whacking.
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I thank you for the images you put in my brain, your mind really works in funny ways. Now where’s that bleach? And purple teddies should be made of plush and not filled with Sharons.
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I hope the bleach worked. 🙂
Thanks for visiting and leaving a comment.
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oh, poor jimmy! that’s what he got for providing the services that the protagonist couldn’t provide. 🙂
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Perhaps he took “Love Thy Neighbor” a step further than his wife thought was appropriate.
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Funny tale; if you have an unpleasantry to do you may as well let the mind wander.
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I agree. It doesn’t necessarily make the task go faster, but makes for good blogging material.
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For sure!
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The queen must have indisposed at her place for ahile. Deep wrinkle issues. LOLOL
Carol give it to that Sharon. I guess she won’t be active for awhile.
Isadora 😎
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Everything starts to sag when people get older–it happens to all of us if we live long enough.
As for Sharon and her missing teeth, perhaps she can hook up with a hockey player and they’ll have matching smiles.
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LOL I’m laughing so much. You are hilarious.
Odd you should say that, recently, I noticed a few wrinkles on my fingers. Shouldn’t typing on blogs fix that? It’s exercise. 😀
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