What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
Parts is Parts
Earlier this week, I did one of those Cologuard tests where you poop in a bowl and send it to a laboratory to screen for signs of cancer in your colon. The test is incredibly easy for the contributor, but probably not so pleasant for the lab tech on the receiving end.
After dropping off my sample at the UPS Store, I thought about all the other people I could mail my turds to. Wouldn’t if be fun to enclose one in a candy wrapper labeled Baby Donald and mail it to Mar-a-Lago? As a sentiment of my regards for the recipient, I would include a note saying “This is the best tasting candy bar ever. Goes great with Diet Coke and is guaranteed to take four strokes off your golf score.”
Who would you like to mail one to?
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, our resident authority on historical hemorrhoids is Dr. Rudy Prodder Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
Connie surveyed the wide array of odd looking items at the Asian market, then stepped up to the counter.
“What you like?” the clerk asked.
“Give me a dozen pig eyes and two pounds of lizard legs.”
“Is that all?”
“No, I’ll take one of those monkey brains—and eight ounce of shaved serpent, if you have it.”
The clerk dipped her hand in a bowl of grey matter and plopped a handful on the scale.
“Makin’ a special dish for husband?” she asked.
“No, for my granddaughter, Erika. She bet me twenty dollars I couldn’t scare her on Halloween.”
37 Comments on “Parts is Parts”
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What's So Funny? 
Great punchline. Russell
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Thanks, Neil.
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I absolutely fell out with this. !!!! Good thought. Nancy Hartney, Author nancy.hartney@gmail.com nancy.hartney@gmail.com http://NancyHartney.com http://nancyhartney.com
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Well, I hope the landing was soft.
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Bet it tastes good too. Could add that to your package for Mar-a-Lago.
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I’d hate to waste all those wonderful ingredients on that nitwit.
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He probably eats several candy bars at a time so I think you should send at least a dozen!
Don’t forget to add eye of newt to the Halloween dish. 😀
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Good idea, Morgaine. One candy bar would only tease his taste buds. 🙂
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Dear Pappy Yokum,
Another movie heard from. Yeah memorable scene from Caddy Shack. Have you and Bill Reynolds been comparing celluloid notes this week?
I did the talking box poop checker last year. Standing in line at UPS I’m thinking it’s pretty obviuous what the illustrated box contains. I’m sure I turned red under my whiteface. Thank you for the great gift ideas.
As for the menu for Halloween, I’m sure Connie the maven of happy Halloweening can help you whomp up something slimey for Erika. With you two for grandparents I’m sure it’s difficult to scare her. I’ll be listening for the screams.
Sorry to have missed last year’s celebrations.
Shalom,
Dr. Rudy Prodder W(T)F
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Dear Doc Prodder W(T)F,
Bowel movements are nothing to sneeze at. In fact, they’re almost as good as an orgasm and you can have more than one a day if your system is so inspired.
Corbin and Lilly are easily frightened, but it takes a lot more to put the fear in Erika. I’m sure you’ve seen Connie’s creatures on Facebook. Those screams will probably be from me.
Pappy Yokum
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After seeing all the “spookies” Connie is conjuring, I bet Erika is well prepared to be scared. Great take on the prompt.
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Yes, the kid’s party should definitely be frightening. Even if Erika is scared, she won’t admit it. The soundtrack for the swamp is enough to my my skin crawl.
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do they really sell those at the market? i shouldn’t be surprised anymore. 🙂
anyway, why not send your turds to ted cruz as well. 🙂
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Great suggest. Ted Cruz is certainly deserving. If I signed the note Donald Trump, Ted would quickly devour it and proclaim it was the best candy bar he’d ever tasted.
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yes, indeed. after trump insulted his wife and insinuated that his father was connected to the jfk assassination and did nothing about it, he would do it in a heartbeat.
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Oh, this plan should work perfectly. I’d say nice one, but I do not eat brains.
And no, we have not conspired.
As for Ted C., would prefer other forms of crap. 🙂
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Not even squirrel brains? They’re quite delicious.
I can’t think of anything that’s bad enough for Ted.
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All those fresh veg! I think your story is scary enough never mind your planned meals for halloween. there will be lots of screams.
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Thanks, James. Connie is hoping for lots of screams.
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That was great…….and I am still compiling my list for ‘poo’ posts 🙂
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Good for you. There are plenty of worthycandidates out there.
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You’re not wrong there!! 🙂
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You took me back to the street food market I visited in Beijing! The things I saw – and ate – were stomach churning!
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That’s what I’ve been told. A salesman from the company I worked for told me about the monkey brains.
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You should probably also send some to Kayleigh McEnany – seeing as how much she loved the T-man. 😁
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How about you fill her order. The Baby Trump bars are so popular, I’m six weeks out.
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Sadly, my stock is temporarily depleted. I’ve just sent a big delivery to some politicians over here. 🙄
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I understand, Lyn, I bet Putin gets several deliveries per day from oppressed Russians.
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That does sound horrifying.
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Which? The Baby Trump bars, the organ stew, or both?
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Both!
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I’m terrified just reading the list of “food!”
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Good. That’s the idea. 🙂
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Granddaughter is about to lose a bet, I think. I’d still try it though, just to say I did. 🙂
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Thanks, David. It’s nice to see your Green Walled Tower in the comments section.
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Thanks, Russell. I feel like I was away for a long time for various reasons, but I’m trying to get back into things more regularly. Great to read your zany writing again.
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Oh lordy… your intros… I’m up at the end of the month; I’ll be nice and not keep you posted.
As for scaring Erika, methinks Connie has a slight chance. I’ve seen her ghoulish creations – then again, they are not for consumption so it’s a whole ‘nother ballgame!
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