What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
The Shoe Sale
Occasionally, I’ll watch a cooking show on TV. The chef will combine a large number of hard-to-find ingredients then sauté, braise, broil, deep-fry, or bake the delicacy to perfection. It never turns out lopsided, burnt to a crisp, or looking like you scraped it off the road. (They must be using with a different wine.)
My least favorite part of the show is when they sample and rave about how delicious it is. Just once, I’d like to see the chef get a shocked look on his/her face, rush over to the sink, spit out the food, and declare, “Damn, that tastes like shit!” Now, that would be reality cooking at its best.
If you are new to Friday Flash Fiction, the Keebler Elf of 100 word stories is Betty “”Wanna” Cracker Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this weekly escapade of madness, waddle over to her hollow tree for instructions. To rent a box in the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
PHOTO PROMPT © Sarah Potter
“Did you hear about the sale down at Bunions?” The excitement in Chrissy’s voice bubbled through the phone.
“No, but I love a good sale. A girl can’t have too many shoes.” Bev’s sandal-clad toes wiggled with anticipation.
“Amen, sister. And this is their annual two-for-the-price-of-three sale. They’re also having a hurricane special on a new line of shoes called Irma that are imported from Florida.”
“Wow, this sounds too good to be true.” Bev giggled.
“Yeah, and get this,” Chrissy whispered. “They come pre-molded. They’ll fit in perfectly with the other two hundred pair aging in my closet.”
Crusty
Last week, Linda Apple helped me set up a Facebook account. Like many older adults bordering on senility, I find new technology challenging. Not that Facebook is new—it’s just that I’ve been circling it in fear like a caveman who’s been asked to trade in his trusty spear for a missile launcher. I know it’s a good thing, but I may blow my foot off if I’m not careful.
Several of you have been gracious enough to “Friend” me. You brave souls. So far, I’ve managed two posts and a poke. These have been well received and even garnered an occasional “thumbs up” or a hearty “Ha, ha!” Stay tuned for more social gaffes and clueless moments.
If you are new to Friday Flash Fiction, the tiny tadpole troubadour of 100 word stories is Selena Aquafina Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this weekly collage of madness, swim over to her blog for instructions. To rent a box in the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
PHOTO PROMPT © Kelvin M. Knight
“Mama, why does Uncle Bobo tear the edges off his bread?”
“He doesn’t like the crust, dear. A lot of people do that.”
“Why? Is it bad for you?”
“Not at all. In fact, the crust contains an antioxidant called pronyl-lysine that can actually reduce the development of pre-cancerous lesions.”
“But if he doesn’t eat the crust, why does Aunt Ellen call him Crusty?”
“Probably because he’s an irritable, cantankerous, short-tempered, peevish old curmudgeon.”
“Oh.” Little Felicity blushed. “And all this time I thought it was because he only changed his underwear twice a year.”
Adventures in Camping
Let’s talk about bumper stickers. Either you love ‘em or hate ‘em, right? I like them best when they’re on the back of someone else’s car. One of my favorites reads; “The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.”
Other popular options brag about how “Terrific” their kid is or feature images of stick families complete with the pet of their choice. I’m still waiting for one that says; “Free tire wash. Call Fido at Bow-Wow-Whiz.” What are some of your favorites?
If you are new to Friday Flash Fiction, the Icon of 100-word stories is “Tie-Dye” Tootsie Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this weekly collage of madness, head over to her blog for instructions. To rent a box in the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
“You’ll never guess what I found today,” said Connie. That sentence always made me nervous. It could mean a stray animal or a portal to another dimension.
“Uh . . . let me guess,” I stammered. “A leprechaun with a pot of gold?”
“Even better than that. We now own a tent. The lady I got it from said they bought it new at Sears. It’s a Hillary*.”
Now, I’ve known people who referred to Bill Clinton’s wife as an old bag, but any canvas tabernacle named after her would more likely be sold at Saks Fifth Avenue than Sears.
* Hillary is a brand of tent named after Sir Edmund Hillary, the first man to reach the summit of Mt. Eveready. From what I hear, the guy just kept going and going . . .
Today’s post is an excerpt from “The Great American Camping Trip.”
Tour Guide at Belton Sanitarium
The Washington County Fair opened yesterday. I suppose the reason they call it a Fair is because it’s only slightly above ho-hum, average at best. It would be nice if they held an exposition that was knock-your-socks-off fantastic, but I guess we don’t want to set the bar too high, now do we?
There are two kinds of weather at the fair—dust and mud. Some years we get both. The fair is always a treat for the senses. Flashing lights, barking carnies, Popcorn, cotton candy, and the scent of fresh vomit beneath the rides. What are some of your favorite memories?
If you are new to Friday Flash Fiction, our barker of 100 word stories is “One Crayon” Katy Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to win a stuffed teddy bear in this weekly exercise in madness, head over to her blog for instructions. To rent a box in the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
PHOTO PROMPT © Roger Bulltot
Olive studied the photograph of a middle-aged woman with dark curls wearing a T-shirt and matching high-top sneakers. She had been committed to Belton Sanitarium after being diagnosed with an incurable affliction.
Surveying the overgrown, supposedly haunted ruins, Olive imagined her grandmother, a victim of addiction, imprisoned behind the granite hospital walls.
“Grandpa said they had a hard time finding a straight-jacket small enough to fit her. It must’ve been terrifying,” Olive whispered. “But haunted? Nonsense.”
“Iz es itst, grandoter?”
Olive whipped around in time to see a tiny imp, dressing in purple, vanish like a fart in a whirlwind.
Note – The translation for the Yiddish is “Is it now, Granddaughter?”
They say imitation is the purest form of flattery. That’s my intention this week, as I honor our fearless leader in my own twisted way.
The ?FoneIX and MeTube
I’ve just returned from Little Rock where Dr. John Dornhoffer laid over my right ear and replaced my pea-sized brain with one the size of a marble.
So far, the results have been fantastic (except for the excessive rattling). My muse has returned full force and my wit is sharper and stronger than ever as evidenced by the story below. Now, it is with all modesty and humility I can confidently proclaim to the world that I am indeed “sharp as a marble.”
If you are new to Friday Flash Fiction, our straight-shooter of 100-word stories is Cateye Aggie Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this weekly exercise in madness, head over to her blog for instructions. To rent a box in the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
White House Spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders announced the rollout of a new presidential social media site known as MeTube. The site will be an exclusive feature of the ?FoneIX released by Trump industries later this week.
“This is a YUGE win,” tweeted the President. “With the Why-Phone-Nine and MeTube app, Americans can now read my thoughts before I even tweet them.
“Plus, it’s constructed entirely from recycled materials at our plant in Leavenworth, Kansas by a couple of out of work Americans, namely Obama and Crooked Hillary.
“A gazillion people are camped out on the White House lawn waiting to get theirs.”
Enlightenment
Let’s talk about emotions for a moment. How do you deal with anger? Some people scream and curse, some eat chocolate, others get even. Revenge has never served me well, even when dished out at sub-zero temperatures.
I generally blow off steam by firing up a small gasoline engine, such as a weed-whacker or chainsaw and chopping something to pieces. The noise drowns out even the loudest curse words and the act of dicing weeds or wood into tiny pieces helps diffuse the anger. What works for you?
If you are new to Friday Flash Fiction, 100-word stories is a good way to vent your frustration. The Sigmund Freud of our online asylum is Dr. Nancy Drew Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this weekly exercise in madness, head over to her blog for instructions. To rent a box in the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
“Cleanliness is next to Godliness,” Mama always said.
Calvin wasn’t so sure.
Every Sunday morning, she’d drag him into the bathroom and scrub his elbows, neck, and ears till they glowed beet-red. He didn’t feel any closer to God than if he’d wallowed in a mud hole.
According to the preacher, God loved everybody—even the homeless man who hadn’t had a bath in two years.
Thumbing through Webster’s Junior Dictionary, Calvin made a startling discovery. His adolescent heartbeat quickened and his spirit soared. Mama was wrong. Cleanliness was next to cleavage.
Pass the soap.
Hard Knocks U.
Connie sent me a text this morning stating that she’d stumbled across a list of best humor writers on the internet and that I was rated number sixty-seven. Let’s hope none of those above me are mimes. That would be embarrassing.
I also assume this means “living” humor writers. In which case, I need only track down and systematically eliminate the other sixty-six to improve my rating. C.E. Ayr, if you’re reading this, I’ll be enlisting your services for the next few months. Your retainer is in the mail.
If you are new to Friday Flash Fiction, the queen of our international ring of KAOS is Consuela Siegfried, aptly played by the lovely and talented Bernice Kopell Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this weekly exercise in madness, head over to her blog for instructions. To rent a box in the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
PHOTO PROMPT© CEAyr
Recruiters frown when seeing Hard Knocks University on resumes.
They are concerned that the new hire will continue to adhere to the failure-equals-success mantra, and in so doing, rise to the ranks of upper management, thus jeopardizing the careers of those in power.
Furthermore, corporate America loves college athletics. How can a university be taken seriously if it doesn’t have a football team?
This may seem unimportant to those who believe academics should be the primary function of a school, but if you’re out on the golf course with the CEO, it’s a BIG DEAL, especially on college game day.
My Daughter, the Writer
For about two and a half decades, our daughter, Greta, has been an avid reader. As a teenager she would devour a 600 page novel faster than Buster (our dog) could eat a Milk Bone doggie biscuit.
Occasionally, she’d share a little something she’d written for a class project or to promote a worthy cause. The examples of her work thatwere always tightly written, witty, and flowed like a friendly conversation. Numerous times I encouraged her to take up writing and become a story teller. She would just roll her eyes and scoff. After all, what do parents know?
Finally, someone else asked her to write an article and it took her about 2 seconds to say yes. Today she became “published.” Needless to say, Dad is very proud. Click on the title . . .
Rhinestones, Madness, and Resurrected Corpses: The Love Story of Tony & Susan Alamo
by Greta P. Allendorf
Body of Evidence
My wife is one of those people who buys a gift for someone then can’t wait to give it to them. It’s like the item is a hot potato and burns a hole in her hands if she holds it too long. Fifteen minutes after arriving home with a present for a future occasion she’ll ask, “Do you think I should give it to them now? They could start enjoying it right away. It’s only two months until their birthday.”
This is a rhetorical question because she’s going to give it to them regardless of what I say. She’s not seeking an opinion, but rather an affirmation to further justify the early gifting. Then, when the appointed occasion does arrive, she’ll buy a second, smaller gift, “Just so they’ll have something to open.”
If you are new to Friday Flash Fiction, the noted philanthropist who can’t wait to post photo prompts three days early is Jean D. Rockefeller Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this weekly exercise in madness, head over to her blog for instructions. To rent a box in the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
PHOTO PROMPT © Dale Rogerson
The receptionist led Detective Lowry to the conference room. He hated legal offices. Always too neat, too clean, too well decorated. Beneath the façade of flowers and Lemon Pledge lurked a seedy underbelly that made him want to puke.
The boxes angered him most. Tightly sealed and stacked to the ceiling, they contained tidbits of information held as evidence awaiting the right moment to convict and condemn. Just like his ex-wife.
The prosecutor sat across the table. “We let the mime go.”
“Why? You’ve got fingerprints, face-paint, and a confession.”
“Without the invisible box, we don’t have a case.”
Where’s the Beef?
How many of you suffer from MSNS (Multiple Social Network Syndrome)? Is your day a whirlwind of activity hopping back and forth from Facebook to Pinterest to Instagram and Twitter? Are you so social that there’s no time left for work, play, or dare I say—romance?
I’ve not attended a writers conference yet without hearing at least one speaker tell the audience that we all needed to promote ourselves on multiple forms of social media. I suppose it was inevitable that sooner or later it would become a disease. Now, all we can do is wait for Pfizer, Merck, or Roche to develop a pill to combat this dreaded condition. In the meantime, I suggest you download an app and apply for disability.
If you are new to Friday Flash Fiction, our CEO of 100 Word stories is Marlene Zuckerburg Wisoff-Fields. To learn how to participate in this weekly exercise in madness, head over to her blog for instructions. To rent a box in the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
PHOTO PROMPT © J Hardy Carroll
Metropolis – a local newspaper reporter for the Daily Planet was arrested yesterday for public indecency and shoplifting.
According to witnesses, the incident occurred near a pay phone inside the Amtrak Rail terminal.
“Sandra and I were waiting for the four-nineteen when this young man wearing a business suit sidled up to the pay phone and began to undress,” said Dale Rogerson.
“He stripped down to a blue spandex jumpsuit that left nothing to the imagination. Sandra looked him over and said, ‘Where’s the beef?’”
Police arrested Clark Kent a short time later near Miller’s Produce stand, where he allegedly stole a large zucchini.
Purchase ‘One Idiot Short of a Village’
Purchase ‘The Perils of Heavy Thinking’
What's So Funny? 