The pandemic has kept Connie and I spending more time at home and limited our social interaction with family, friends, and neighbors. Fortunately, we’ve been blessed by an outpouring of cards, letters, and phone calls from people we don’t even know.
I’ve been amazed by the number of people on the verge tears who call to tell me of the sleepless nights they’ve spent worrying about the extended coverage on my ’48 Ford truck. And since I became Medicare eligible, I have been overwhelmed by the concern of those offering to help me select a supplemental policy.
I thank the Lord every day for these caring strangers who take time out of their busy day to check on me. I feel pretty special.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the snake oil salesperson who runs this program is Natasha Fatale Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
*For those outside the U.S., this story is a parody based on Liberty Mutual Insurance commercials.
They’ve been making adult coloring books for several years now. Most pages contain a jumble of intricate designs said to help relieve stress. They also make one with swear words for those whose clock is wound so tightly they’re about to explode.
Even our own fearless leader, Andrea Warthog W(T)F, is an advocate of color-by-numbers. Her wine glass series, known for their warm, fuzzy images as the glass nears empty, has led to a spike in sales for Boone’s Farm winery, especially the Strawberry Hill vintage.
What’s woefully lacking is a coloring book of crude, juvenile activities. Wouldn’t it be fun to throw down some reds and yellows on a picture of Bobby and Mark lighting each other’s farts? Or how about Cindy’s expression when she discovers the plastic snake Ted hid in her locker? I’d love to hear your ideas and suggestions.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, pick up a bottle of Boone’s Farm and schedule a session with our headmistress (see above). If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
*an excerpt from Criminal Mimes.
During my work career, I attended several classes on Time Management. The curriculum focused on scheduling activities and other tools to gain efficiency and become more productive.
However, occasions often arise where neither efficiency nor productivity is important. That’s why I decided to create a course called Time Wasters.
This class is designed to help people slow down and appreciate doing absolutely nothing. There are no lofty goals to achieve, no stressful timelines, and best of all—it’s impossible to fail. Our motto is, “Aim low and you’ll always miss your mark.”
“So, you going to the dance tomorrow night?” Shelley asked.
“No.” Clarence didn’t look up.
“It might be fun.”
“I doubt it. I don’t dance.”
“But you could listen to the music. Beeswax is playing.”
He shrugged. “I’d rather listen to ear wax.”
“You could hang out with your friends.”
“Don’t have any friends—‘cept Melvin—and he’s taking Debbie.”
“I don’t have a date either.” She sighed. “No one wants to go out with a short girl with curly hair.”
He stuck a finger in his ear and gave it a twist.
“Wanna listen to ear wax with me?”
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, it’s run by a woman who sticks a fork in an outlet every week to keep her hair curly, the permanently permed, Shirley Temple Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
Have you ever taken a long cut–as opposed to a shortcut? What I’m referring to is driving around the world to get across the street. Some people call it “taking the scenic route,” or offer the excuse of avoiding heavy traffic, toll roads, or fear of getting stuck in a Presidential Motorcade. The goal is to ignore the shortest, fastest, most efficient route to your destination.
My wife, Connie, really enjoys doing this. In fact, her motto is, “If there’s a back road–take it!” As an experienced yard sale fanatic, she knows every side street, alley, and dead-end cul de sac in our portion of North America. We’re never truly lost, just not always sure where the road we’re on is going to take us.
Tell me about a time when taking an alternate route led to an adventure.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the person who wrote from Kansas City to Hollywood with a laptop on her knee is Old Suzanna Danna Anna Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
Here in the South, the temperature is rising faster than the boiling blood of an angry bovine who’s just been teased with a red handkerchief. Since we don’t live on a paved road, Connie had to cook our bacon and eggs this morning on the hood of our car.
It’s gotten so dry that the Baptists are sprinkling, and the Methodists are using a damp washcloth for baptismal services. The good news is I’ll soon have a picking of sun-dried tomatoes straight from the vine.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the cat-wrangler who runs this outfit is Bombalurina Hairball Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
*Do-Not-Remove Under Penalty of Law
I don’t know how many of you are superstitious, but according to my calendar, today is Wednesday the 13th. I know it doesn’t sound as ominous as Friday the 13th, but hey, just wait a couple of days and Friday will be here.
This morning, I sent an email request to a couple of well-known Jewish Know-it-alls asking on which day of creation G-d made Gentiles. Obviously, it was a complicated process as we come in a variety of sizes, shapes, and colors. He couldn’t just make a single set of molds and crank out a few million Gentiles like He did with the “Chosen People.”
So far, no answer, but keep checking the comments as we move along. I’m sure they’ll respond soon. Right now, one of them is scouring the Torah while the other is plucking nose hair and ear wax to create a mystic “Ball of Knowledge” that will reveal the answer to all questions great & small.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the Uber driver of this bus (who peeks through the steering wheel, not over it) is Ralphetta Kramden Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
*the above is an excerpt from Criminal Mimes
No intro this month—you can breathe a sigh of relief.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the keeper of bats in the Belton belfrey who posts our photo prompt each week, is Denise “The Purple Menace” Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
Friday night, we played cards with another couple. For a twist, I suggested we name our teams and add cheers or fight songs like you might hear at a high school or college sporting event.
Instead of choosing a fierce animal, bird, or renowned race of fighting people, we chose vegetables for our mascots. Ross and I were the Onions—known for our pungent odor and ability to bring our opponents to tears—while Connie and Peg decided to call their team the Beets. As the night wore on, the ladies’ became Un“Beet”able and won every game.
What rough & ready fruit or vegetable would you choose for your team mascot?
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the Kansas City Kumquat, who posts our photo prompt each week, is Mayapple Fritter Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
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