What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
Mount Acne
I hurt my heel last weekend and have been limping around like a one-legged boss at a butt kickin’ contest. My co-workers have enjoyed mocking me by dragging one leg as they hobble down the hall toward the break room. When I accepted this position, I had no idea the amount of abuse a plant manager is expected to suffer just to keep the rest of the team happy and entertained.
If you happen to be in Northwest Arkansas this Saturday be sure and swing by the FREE (my favorite four-letter word) conference hosted and sponsored by the NWA Writer’ Workshop. Registration starts around 8am and the event gets underway at 9. Some great speakers are lined up to talk about editing, publishing, and promoting your work. Rumor has it that there will also be a special guest in attendance from the Kansas City area.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the gypsy minstrel in banging the tambourine is Madame CurlylocksWisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
Johnny ruled with an iron fist. He was a henpecked husband who couldn’t buy a candy bar without his wife’s approval. When he was promoted to foreman down at the plant he was elated. For the first time in his entire life he had authority. People would have to listen to him—or else.
“Johnny sure has a lot of flat tires,” said Bob, rolling a roofing tack between his finger and thumb.
“Yeah,” said Ryan, “Bad luck seems to follow Mr. High and Mighty.”
“Someday he’ll explode.” Bob smiled. “Like a pimple on the butt-cheek of life.”
________________________________________
Be sure and tune in to this blog Monday when I will post the amazing secrets of How Wussell Writes!
Big Bales in Cowtown
On Monday, the world lost a great comedy writer, actor, and director, Harold Ramis. Most people recognize Harold from his work in Ghostbusters, Groundhog Day, and my personal favorite Stripes, where he played a character named Russell Zisky. He also co-wrote the scripts for a couple of other classics, National Lampoon’s Animal House and Caddy Shack.
Then on Wednesday, while perusing the obituaries in our local newspaper, I discovered a woman named Susie had passed away. I wasn’t sure I recognized her until I got to the second paragraph, wherein it stated, “She worked for many years as a homemaker.” Some of you probably remember her from Home Economics class in Jr. High. She was the prototypical wallflower, slender, flat-chested, and wore sensible shoes. While other girls went on to become career women, Susie stayed at home, raised a family, and baked toll-house cookies in a miniature oven. Losing her is like the passing of an era. Our troubled world could use a lot more Susie Homemakers.
On a happier note, if you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the curator of this 100 word weekly addiction is Marcy D’Arcy Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
Joe was particularly proud of his tractor. It was big, bold, and bright red. He liked to brag about the size of his “implement of husbandry.”
His favorite pastime was to parade an oversized trailer of hay through the tiny hamlet of Haversack. Traffic would screech to a crawl. Even the pedestrians would shake their fists and curse the giant tractor.
Joe didn’t care. He’d turn on the AC and crank up Pink Floyd on the stereo. His outlandish behavior earned him the nickname “Brain Damage.” His wife was reported to be living on the Dark Side of a Goon.
For Whom the Bell Clangs
This has been an interesting week. I’ve had more stuff throw at me than Bill Clinton at a sorority panty raid. Now that you have that visual image in your head imagine this; when I opened my email Monday morning the first thing that caught my eye was a message from Tales From the South informing me that my recent submission had been selected for their upcoming road show at Arts Center of the Ozarks on Sunday March 16th (color me elated!).
Then I got a packet from Pen-L Publishing regarding a marketing plan for my book, which means we’re moving closer to a release day. ~ I think April Fool’s Day would be appropriate, how about you?
Lastly, our core team from work has spent all week training on a new software system. This may sound like a nightmare for those who have suffered through such an experience, but getting this program is something I’ve been dreaming of for twenty years and to see it finally come to fruition is quite gratifying.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the driving instructor for our vehicle of entertainment is Coach “Get-it-Write” Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
Morris Gump was nothing like his older brother, Forest. He lingered in the shadows for years while his brother became a football star, a war hero, and CEO of a thriving seafood business.
Despite the natural sibling rivalry, he secretly envied Forest for cashing in on his ignorance. Things started looking up when a TV producer proclaimed Morris “sharp as a marble,” but the reality show failed miserably.
“Morris,” said Mama, “For some people life is like a box of chocolates, but for most it’s like a box of Ex-Lax. No matter which square you eat everything turns to poo.”
The Food Triangle
Hi, this is Rachel Crofton. I’ll be filling in for Russell this week. The master of laziness and procrastination has waited until the last minute and still doesn’t know what to get his honey for Valentine’s Day. He considers himself to be a hopeless romantic. At least he’s half right—he’s got the hopeless part down pat.
While he’s cluelessly trying to figure out how to shower Miss Connie with the affection she so rightly deserves for tolerating his antics, I’ll be introducing you to an exciting new 21st Century version of the food pyramid created specifically for busy women in today’s high-stress world.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the nutritional specialist in charge of our weekly diet of 100 word stories is Julia C. Wisoff-Fields, who not only enjoys cooking up stories with wine, sometimes she even mentions it in her prose. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
Proper nutrition is more important than ever in today’s fast-paced, high-tech world. That’s why I invented The Food Triangle. This simple, easy-to-follow, program is built upon the Three C’s—Caffeine, Chocolate, and Cocktails.
Cocktails are the most important and, by far, the most nutritious block of The Food Triangle. Bourbon is derived from corn, vodka from potatoes, and if you’re feeling particularly frisky, add chunks of fresh fruit to your grape wine.
Old-school nutritionists may proclaim, “Everything in moderation.” But who are you going to listen to? Those who sit around munching dried figs and baled wheat, or someone who lives in the real world?
It’s your body. If you don’t take care of it, who will?
_______________________________________________
If you’d like to read Rachel’s complete article on “The Food Triangle” visit Female First eMagazine at the link below;
http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/books/Russell+Gayer-257426.html
Expose Yourself to the Memoirs of a Dilettante
My favorite poster of all-time is a black & white photo of a man in a trenchcoat with his back to the camera, flashing a statue. The caption read, EXPOSE YOURSELF TO ART.
Now, I’m not suggesting that anyone flash Helena Hann-Basquait in person, but I am recommending that you expose your mind to her beautifully written prose.
Here’s some information regarding her soon-to-be-released book;
Memoirs of a Dilettante Vol. One
MEMOIRS OF A DILETTANTE VOLUME ONE – COVER REVEAL!
COMING SPRING 2014 — official date TBA
Memoirs of a Dilettante is a collection of reminiscences, following Helena Hann-Basquiat, a self-proclaimed dilettante who will try anything just to say that she has, and her twenty-something niece, who she has dubbed the Countess Penelope of Arcadia, in their off-beat antics in such places as common as the local McDonald’s or the comic book store, to their travels to Miami for the search for the perfect Cuban sandwich. Interspersed between wacky one-off adventures, Helena tells personal, sometimes painful stories from her past in order to try and make sense of her life as it has played out, tempering everything with an indomitable sense of humour.
Cummerbund Bandersnatch, the Accidental Plagiarist, strippers, rock stars, geeks, freaks, and the Barista With No Name — these are just a few of the characters you’ll meet inside.
Discover Helena’s tales for the first time or all over again, with new notes and annotations for the culturally impaired — or for those who just need to know what the hell was going through her mind at the time!
If you just can’t wait and you want a taste of Helena’s writing, follow her blog: http://helenahannbasquiat.wordpress.com/
If you just can’t get enough Helena, or you want updates on further goings on, release dates and miscellaneous mayhem, follow Helena on Twitter @hhbasquiat
Affordable Lamp Care
As a general rule, I stay away from political topics. It’s too easy. But many of America’s great humorists including Will Rogers, Mark Twain, and others made a handsome living reporting the steady stream of insanity coming out of Washington. Who am I to argue with that formula for success?
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the Speaker of the House of Bloggers is the honorable Denise “Roach” Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
Millicent had some health issues. Mrs. Kudzu at the second-hand store tried to get Millicent covered under the store’s insurance, but the agent just shook his head and said, “Sorry, too many pre-existing conditions.”
Unable to afford care, her health continued to decline. No one seemed interested in her. She was pushed aside. Alone, with no hope for the future.
Then President Aladdin rolled out the Affordable Lamp Care program. Now Millicent, and millions like her, could have their wiring repaired, plug-ins replaced, and sockets stabilized.
Millicent smiled. Under the President’s program, she could even keep her current lamp shade.
Judge a Book by Its Cover
Thank you for stopping by. I have been telling you for a couple of weeks the day would come when I would post a couple of rough-draft cover options for my book.
Well today, in the presence of God and all who surf the world wide web, that prophesy has come true.
Before you pass judgment on the graphics, please take a few minutes and review the evidence. The 5 exhibits below are brief excerpts from the 28 short stories and essays contained in the book. Without further adieu, here they are.
***
The schedule said we were to play the Giants, but I had no idea they meant that literally. My confidence began to wilt. The adrenaline crawled out of my veins and went scampering down a yellow streak that had once been my spine.
On the first offensive series, I tried my best to “get in the way” of the 340 pound behemoth that loomed across from me. None of my tactics worked. My opponent looked like he had just escaped from a maximum security prison and had the attitude of an angry moose. He didn’t go around obstacles—he went through them. After the first three plays, I was more trampled than the grapes of wrath. ~ from What to Wear? What to Wear?
After reviewing his license and registration, the officer asked, “Sir, have you been Thinking?”
“No,” replied David, rather indignantly.
“Then you won’t mind taking a brain-wave field sobriety test,” said the officer. He plucked a gadget about the size of an iPhone from his shirt pocket, clamped the positive lead to David’s left ear and the negative to his right. David stared at the visor and tried to clear his mind.
“Uh-huh,” said the officer, after clicking the ‘save’ icon. “Step out of the car, please.”
The next thing David knew he was being fingerprinted and booked for DWT (driving while thinking). . ~ from The Perils of Heavy Thinking
All my years of being an underachiever were about to pay off. I let my mediocrity shine at every available opportunity. How could they not notice me? Here I was, right under their noses, stretching two hours of work into four.
Then one day my big break came. I was promoted to department supervisor and challenged to increase production by ten percent. This should have been easy, since there would be a natural gain just by removing me from the workforce. ~ from Dreams of Mediocrity
One of my favorite things about peeves is that you can have as many as you want. In fact, I have an entire kennel of them. Peeves love attention and like to come out for a playful romp at every available opportunity. Like other pets, regular exercise is essential in keeping them healthy and happy.
Hurry Up and Wait is one of my favorites. She likes to sit on the counter while I fix my hair and apply make-up. In the other room, my husband, Brad, is pacing like a lion who just had its kill taken away by a pack of hyenas. ~ from Peeves I Like to Pet
They start with basic left knee steering, then add more complicated maneuvers as the student becomes comfortable and gains confidence in hands-free operation of the vehicle. To graduate, attendees must be able to safely navigate the freeway at seventy-miles-per-hour, simultaneously text their best friend with one hand, apply mascara with the other, and scream at unruly children in the back seat. Upon completion, the girls receive a Beauty of the Boulevard ankle bracelet and a gift certificate for Maybelline eye-care products.
I couldn’t be prouder of that girl, but there’s no way I’m getting in a car with her behind the wheel. ~ from Dodging Miss Daisy
Weather Forecaster Found Dead
SPRINGDALE, AR – The body of Gordon Dale Groundhog was found by a motorist yesterday afternoon on the side of Shady Grove Road. Authorities suspect he was the victim of a hit-and-run accident. The police report states there were no signs of skid marks on the pavement. Persons with information regarding this accident are urged to contact the Washington County Humane Society.
“I don’t mean to sound cruel or heartless,” said one local television meteorologist, ” but this couldn’t have happened at a worse time. Everyone was looking forward to seeing him drug from his burrow Monday morning and shook around like a rag doll in front of our cameras. Now, our long-range forecast is shot to hell.”
Four crows, two buzzards, and a possum have been assigned to remove the body. “We’re going to let him lie in state a few days,” said one of the crows (under the condition of anonymity). “We want to give family and friends plenty of time to pay their final respects–and allow the body to ripen–before we begin the disposal process.”
Drive-by services are scheduled for 2 pm this afternoon. Condolences may be sent to your local TV station–attn: Chief Meteorologist.
Rest in Peace
It’s Break Time!
I love the way news people sensationalize every little tidbit that comes across their desk. They work hard to convince us the new middle-school Assistant Principal’s hangnail is a catastrophe of epic proportions. The school Superintendent has issued a lock-down, a SWAT Team is on the way, and the on-the-scene reporter is interviewing everyone from the lunch lady to the flag pole. If you don’t believe me just read this report – Alarmist Weather at 6:00.
Well, I’m not going to try and scare you any worse than you already are. I’ll save that for when I post the rough drafts of my upcoming book cover. That post will come out Sunday evening or Monday morning. Be forewarned, each option has a picture of me on the cover so be sure to take your medication before scrolling down the page.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the terminally beautiful news anchor who will escort you through the maze of “Late Breaking” and “This just in” stories is the vivacious Esmeralda Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
NORTH POLE – For centuries toy factory workers at the North Pole have been laboring in abominable conditions. In December 2013 AFL-CIO officials visited the plant and by a vote of 472 to 5 (with 2 abstaining) the workers voted to unionize.
Through collective bargaining, the union convinced their employer, Kristopher J. Kringle, to move production to a warmer climate. The terms of the agreement allowed the union to select the location as long as it was in a secluded, mountainous area.
There was one other demand.
Employees at the new Colorado facility must be given smoke breaks every two hours.
It Rolls Down Hill
You’ve read the title and I know what you’re thinking–shame on you!
But then . . . what if you’re right?
The Great Premise of a good many stories is the burning question, “What if?”In this week’s tale, I once again dip into that endless well of 1960’s American television to pluck a well-known family for your personal entertainment
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the Executive Producer of this “Play on 100 words” is Cuzin’ Pearl Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
“Well Granny, what do you think of our new summer home in the Swiss Alps?”
“Hmpf, we’re hill people, Jed, not mountain goats. You need one leg longer than the other or you’d fall down just going to the mailbox. Then there’s that crazy woman down the hill hollerin’ ‘Yo-da-la-ee-hoo’ all day long.”
“That’s called yodeling, Granny. It’s how Swiss girls try to attract a man.”
“Who’s she trying to catch, Tarzan of the Jungle? I know why they call her Heidi. You could hide a truck behind that girl.”
“Be nice, Granny. Lately, the yodeling has become a mix of giggles and hiccups.”
“Maybe some rheumatiz medicine accidently leaked into her water supply.”
Purchase ‘One Idiot Short of a Village’
Purchase ‘The Perils of Heavy Thinking’
What's So Funny? 