What's So Funny?
Russell Gayer, author speaker
The Food Triangle
Hi, this is Rachel Crofton. I’ll be filling in for Russell this week. The master of laziness and procrastination has waited until the last minute and still doesn’t know what to get his honey for Valentine’s Day. He considers himself to be a hopeless romantic. At least he’s half right—he’s got the hopeless part down pat.
While he’s cluelessly trying to figure out how to shower Miss Connie with the affection she so rightly deserves for tolerating his antics, I’ll be introducing you to an exciting new 21st Century version of the food pyramid created specifically for busy women in today’s high-stress world.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the nutritional specialist in charge of our weekly diet of 100 word stories is Julia C. Wisoff-Fields, who not only enjoys cooking up stories with wine, sometimes she even mentions it in her prose. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
Proper nutrition is more important than ever in today’s fast-paced, high-tech world. That’s why I invented The Food Triangle. This simple, easy-to-follow, program is built upon the Three C’s—Caffeine, Chocolate, and Cocktails.
Cocktails are the most important and, by far, the most nutritious block of The Food Triangle. Bourbon is derived from corn, vodka from potatoes, and if you’re feeling particularly frisky, add chunks of fresh fruit to your grape wine.
Old-school nutritionists may proclaim, “Everything in moderation.” But who are you going to listen to? Those who sit around munching dried figs and baled wheat, or someone who lives in the real world?
It’s your body. If you don’t take care of it, who will?
_______________________________________________
If you’d like to read Rachel’s complete article on “The Food Triangle” visit Female First eMagazine at the link below;
http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/books/Russell+Gayer-257426.html
Expose Yourself to the Memoirs of a Dilettante
My favorite poster of all-time is a black & white photo of a man in a trenchcoat with his back to the camera, flashing a statue. The caption read, EXPOSE YOURSELF TO ART.
Now, I’m not suggesting that anyone flash Helena Hann-Basquait in person, but I am recommending that you expose your mind to her beautifully written prose.
Here’s some information regarding her soon-to-be-released book;
Memoirs of a Dilettante Vol. One
MEMOIRS OF A DILETTANTE VOLUME ONE – COVER REVEAL!
COMING SPRING 2014 — official date TBA
Memoirs of a Dilettante is a collection of reminiscences, following Helena Hann-Basquiat, a self-proclaimed dilettante who will try anything just to say that she has, and her twenty-something niece, who she has dubbed the Countess Penelope of Arcadia, in their off-beat antics in such places as common as the local McDonald’s or the comic book store, to their travels to Miami for the search for the perfect Cuban sandwich. Interspersed between wacky one-off adventures, Helena tells personal, sometimes painful stories from her past in order to try and make sense of her life as it has played out, tempering everything with an indomitable sense of humour.
Cummerbund Bandersnatch, the Accidental Plagiarist, strippers, rock stars, geeks, freaks, and the Barista With No Name — these are just a few of the characters you’ll meet inside.
Discover Helena’s tales for the first time or all over again, with new notes and annotations for the culturally impaired — or for those who just need to know what the hell was going through her mind at the time!
If you just can’t wait and you want a taste of Helena’s writing, follow her blog: http://helenahannbasquiat.wordpress.com/
If you just can’t get enough Helena, or you want updates on further goings on, release dates and miscellaneous mayhem, follow Helena on Twitter @hhbasquiat
Affordable Lamp Care
As a general rule, I stay away from political topics. It’s too easy. But many of America’s great humorists including Will Rogers, Mark Twain, and others made a handsome living reporting the steady stream of insanity coming out of Washington. Who am I to argue with that formula for success?
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the Speaker of the House of Bloggers is the honorable Denise “Roach” Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
Millicent had some health issues. Mrs. Kudzu at the second-hand store tried to get Millicent covered under the store’s insurance, but the agent just shook his head and said, “Sorry, too many pre-existing conditions.”
Unable to afford care, her health continued to decline. No one seemed interested in her. She was pushed aside. Alone, with no hope for the future.
Then President Aladdin rolled out the Affordable Lamp Care program. Now Millicent, and millions like her, could have their wiring repaired, plug-ins replaced, and sockets stabilized.
Millicent smiled. Under the President’s program, she could even keep her current lamp shade.
Judge a Book by Its Cover
Thank you for stopping by. I have been telling you for a couple of weeks the day would come when I would post a couple of rough-draft cover options for my book.
Well today, in the presence of God and all who surf the world wide web, that prophesy has come true.
Before you pass judgment on the graphics, please take a few minutes and review the evidence. The 5 exhibits below are brief excerpts from the 28 short stories and essays contained in the book. Without further adieu, here they are.
***
The schedule said we were to play the Giants, but I had no idea they meant that literally. My confidence began to wilt. The adrenaline crawled out of my veins and went scampering down a yellow streak that had once been my spine.
On the first offensive series, I tried my best to “get in the way” of the 340 pound behemoth that loomed across from me. None of my tactics worked. My opponent looked like he had just escaped from a maximum security prison and had the attitude of an angry moose. He didn’t go around obstacles—he went through them. After the first three plays, I was more trampled than the grapes of wrath. ~ from What to Wear? What to Wear?
After reviewing his license and registration, the officer asked, “Sir, have you been Thinking?”
“No,” replied David, rather indignantly.
“Then you won’t mind taking a brain-wave field sobriety test,” said the officer. He plucked a gadget about the size of an iPhone from his shirt pocket, clamped the positive lead to David’s left ear and the negative to his right. David stared at the visor and tried to clear his mind.
“Uh-huh,” said the officer, after clicking the ‘save’ icon. “Step out of the car, please.”
The next thing David knew he was being fingerprinted and booked for DWT (driving while thinking). . ~ from The Perils of Heavy Thinking
All my years of being an underachiever were about to pay off. I let my mediocrity shine at every available opportunity. How could they not notice me? Here I was, right under their noses, stretching two hours of work into four.
Then one day my big break came. I was promoted to department supervisor and challenged to increase production by ten percent. This should have been easy, since there would be a natural gain just by removing me from the workforce. ~ from Dreams of Mediocrity
One of my favorite things about peeves is that you can have as many as you want. In fact, I have an entire kennel of them. Peeves love attention and like to come out for a playful romp at every available opportunity. Like other pets, regular exercise is essential in keeping them healthy and happy.
Hurry Up and Wait is one of my favorites. She likes to sit on the counter while I fix my hair and apply make-up. In the other room, my husband, Brad, is pacing like a lion who just had its kill taken away by a pack of hyenas. ~ from Peeves I Like to Pet
They start with basic left knee steering, then add more complicated maneuvers as the student becomes comfortable and gains confidence in hands-free operation of the vehicle. To graduate, attendees must be able to safely navigate the freeway at seventy-miles-per-hour, simultaneously text their best friend with one hand, apply mascara with the other, and scream at unruly children in the back seat. Upon completion, the girls receive a Beauty of the Boulevard ankle bracelet and a gift certificate for Maybelline eye-care products.
I couldn’t be prouder of that girl, but there’s no way I’m getting in a car with her behind the wheel. ~ from Dodging Miss Daisy
Weather Forecaster Found Dead
SPRINGDALE, AR – The body of Gordon Dale Groundhog was found by a motorist yesterday afternoon on the side of Shady Grove Road. Authorities suspect he was the victim of a hit-and-run accident. The police report states there were no signs of skid marks on the pavement. Persons with information regarding this accident are urged to contact the Washington County Humane Society.
“I don’t mean to sound cruel or heartless,” said one local television meteorologist, ” but this couldn’t have happened at a worse time. Everyone was looking forward to seeing him drug from his burrow Monday morning and shook around like a rag doll in front of our cameras. Now, our long-range forecast is shot to hell.”
Four crows, two buzzards, and a possum have been assigned to remove the body. “We’re going to let him lie in state a few days,” said one of the crows (under the condition of anonymity). “We want to give family and friends plenty of time to pay their final respects–and allow the body to ripen–before we begin the disposal process.”
Drive-by services are scheduled for 2 pm this afternoon. Condolences may be sent to your local TV station–attn: Chief Meteorologist.
Rest in Peace
It’s Break Time!
I love the way news people sensationalize every little tidbit that comes across their desk. They work hard to convince us the new middle-school Assistant Principal’s hangnail is a catastrophe of epic proportions. The school Superintendent has issued a lock-down, a SWAT Team is on the way, and the on-the-scene reporter is interviewing everyone from the lunch lady to the flag pole. If you don’t believe me just read this report – Alarmist Weather at 6:00.
Well, I’m not going to try and scare you any worse than you already are. I’ll save that for when I post the rough drafts of my upcoming book cover. That post will come out Sunday evening or Monday morning. Be forewarned, each option has a picture of me on the cover so be sure to take your medication before scrolling down the page.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the terminally beautiful news anchor who will escort you through the maze of “Late Breaking” and “This just in” stories is the vivacious Esmeralda Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
NORTH POLE – For centuries toy factory workers at the North Pole have been laboring in abominable conditions. In December 2013 AFL-CIO officials visited the plant and by a vote of 472 to 5 (with 2 abstaining) the workers voted to unionize.
Through collective bargaining, the union convinced their employer, Kristopher J. Kringle, to move production to a warmer climate. The terms of the agreement allowed the union to select the location as long as it was in a secluded, mountainous area.
There was one other demand.
Employees at the new Colorado facility must be given smoke breaks every two hours.
It Rolls Down Hill
You’ve read the title and I know what you’re thinking–shame on you!
But then . . . what if you’re right?
The Great Premise of a good many stories is the burning question, “What if?”In this week’s tale, I once again dip into that endless well of 1960’s American television to pluck a well-known family for your personal entertainment
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the Executive Producer of this “Play on 100 words” is Cuzin’ Pearl Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
“Well Granny, what do you think of our new summer home in the Swiss Alps?”
“Hmpf, we’re hill people, Jed, not mountain goats. You need one leg longer than the other or you’d fall down just going to the mailbox. Then there’s that crazy woman down the hill hollerin’ ‘Yo-da-la-ee-hoo’ all day long.”
“That’s called yodeling, Granny. It’s how Swiss girls try to attract a man.”
“Who’s she trying to catch, Tarzan of the Jungle? I know why they call her Heidi. You could hide a truck behind that girl.”
“Be nice, Granny. Lately, the yodeling has become a mix of giggles and hiccups.”
“Maybe some rheumatiz medicine accidently leaked into her water supply.”
Sweet Relief
I want apologize in advance for this week’s offering. I don’t usually resort to crude, juvenile humor two weeks in a row . . . make that four weeks in row . . . Oh, never mind. When I saw the photo prompt, courtesy of Erin Leary, I thought “how can I write something funny based upon such a gray, bleak scene?” After whining and wallowing in self-pity for all of thirty seconds, I decided to suck it up and act like a writer. Friday Flash Fiction was created to challenge us, make us write stories we wouldn’t ordinarily write, force us to grow as we learn from each other.
There’s your motivational speech for the week. Now, let’s move along.
In a few days, I will be asking you to Judge a Book by Its Cover. I will post two cover designs for my upcoming book. Please vote for the one you’d be the most inclined to pick up if it was crying out your name from a crowded shelf in a poorly lit bookstore. I will also include brief excerpts from four or five stories to give you a feel for the content. You don’t have to be a registered voter to participate. This offer is good on all seven continents and the District of Columbia.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the physician in charge of correcting gastrointestinal disorders caused by this blog is the esteemed Dr. Feelgood Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
RHONDA: Bill hasn’t been himself lately, Marge. It’s like there’s a black cloud hanging over him and by six o’clock he’s totally sapped. I’ve tried talking to him about it, but he won’t open up. It’s putting a real strain on our marriage.
MARGE: Does he feel bloated and have stomach cramps?
RHONDA: Yes, how did you know?
MARGE: From what you’ve told me, I’d say it’s a case of Classic Constipation.
RHONDA: Classic Constipation? No sh*t?
MARGE: I’m afraid so, Rhonda. Spike his cocktails with prune juice and feed him some roughage. In a few days, he’ll be as frisky as a young stallion.
RHONDA: Oh, Marge. You saved our marriage!
Music from Little Pink
Those of you from the Baby Boomer generation may remember of an album entitled “Music From Big Pink” by The Band. It was recorded in the basement of a rental in West Saugerties, New York. The most popular track on this album was The Weight, which topped out at #63 on the American charts and #21 in the UK. This song’s popularity was partially due to its inclusion in the movie Easy Rider.
What you’re about to learn is the story of two lesser known musicians who attempted to emulate The Band’s success by recording their own album in a renovated outhouse near Stony Point, Virginia.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, the conductor of our orchestra of story weavers is Roberta Zimmerman Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
Zeke and Virgil spent all morning mixing paint. Pink was hard to come by in their neck of the woods, but a tablespoon of fire-engine red in a gallon of white had rendered a such nauseating color that even the makers of Pepto Bismol were green with envy.
They slopped two coats on their new “studio” and broke for lunch.
“What does Levon mean when he sangs ‘take a load off Fanny?’” asked Zeke.
“Fanny means your butt, dumbass.” Virgil mumbled between mouthfuls of pinto beans and raw onion.
The boys listened to the playback of their first recording and flicked their Bics in enthusiastic approval.
A small cassette player was found miles from the explosion. Flatulence in A minor, written on the tape.
Bloodline Talent
For ages scientists have been trying to quantify how much of our talents, behaviors, and booger-pickin’ tendencies come from our DNA and how much is a reflection of the environment in which we’re raised. This makes me wonder what would happen to that new English prince, Baby George, if Kate and Will were willing to let him spend the first five years of his life on a chicken farm in south Alabama. I bet we can safely predict he’d learn to speak without that stuffy British accent and not be scared to get a little manure between his toes.
But at some point, he would probably discover that he was not the same as some of his neighbors. Things that come easy for him might be difficult for his playmates, and things they can do without thinking; such as belching the entire lyrics of Sweet Home Alabama, would be dang near impossible for his princely esophagus to utter.
If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, our Dean of Genealogy and the Queen of Historical Fiction is Gertrude “Bloodhound” Wisoff-Fields. If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.
HUURRY, HUURRY, HUURRY.
Step right up ladies and gentlemen and behold the world’s greatest dog-treeing human. For the unbelievable price of only one dollar you can witness the incredible talent of this gifted toddler with your own two eyes.
Guaranteed to track, trail, and tree anything from the tiniest Chihuahua to a gigantic Irish Wolfhound. Once she picks up the scent, it’s only a matter of moments till the dog is scurrying up a tree whimpering like a politician in a sex scandal.
This child is a direct descendant of the world renowned Gertrude “Cold-nose” Blanchard, a three-time Grand Champion at the Greater Missouri National Dog-Treeing Finals.
HUURRY, HUURRY, HUURRY.
Purchase ‘One Idiot Short of a Village’
Purchase ‘The Perils of Heavy Thinking’
What's So Funny? 